One Choice Away From Changing Your Life

Saturday night I was home alone with the kids. I had worked on cleaning my office out, and I ended up going through my bookcase (which always makes me laugh because it's filled with such a myriad of themes including Science of the Mind, medical transcription, holistic child care, mysteries, psychic and dreams, meditation, Bible study), and I came across my old journals. Usually I don't give them a second thought, or if I do decide to look through one I'll spend a few moments reading passages from my teenage years, but for some reason I paused when I came across one of the books from my twenties and thought about reading it.

This one particular journal I have avoided reading for many years. I actually refer to that time in my life by a name specific to the person who caused me such a great amount of turmoil, and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. However, I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was somewhat bored, and by the time I finished reading I was literally sick to my stomach.

I don't need to go into specifics about what I lived through because I truly believe that they aren't important to discuss in relation to what I've learned. I'm sure that most of my readers can figure out the types of experiences I had because people who have lived through abuse all seem to share a similar blueprint, and I think that's information enough because we've all be exposed to it either through our own experiences or through people close to us.

Anyway, I did a lot of thinking and meditating after reading my journal. I was upset, embarrassed, saddened, and yes, angry. I went through the process of grieving, feeling isolated, and then, suddenly, the next day I began to feel at peace. I began to feel grateful even, because I have no doubt in my mind that the Universe provided this experience for me to live, overcome, and move forward from. I felt a calm in my core that I haven't felt before, and I could almost feel the piece of my heart that had been so bruised by those years become warm again.

Now, I'm not saying that I think the abuse was created by the Universe or God or the Divine Source and that it was the "Plan" for me, but I do think that the adverse situation I found myself in was part of my "blueprint". I can honestly say that before "that time" I was a lost soul; a confused and depressed person who questioned where they were in life, why they were even alive let alone what they were supposed to be doing with their life, and someone who couldn't really sympathize with other people because they were so lost in their own emotion. I was not the sort of person who would have made a difference to anyone.

When I met this person and lived through what I did, I believe it actually may have saved my life. I didn't really feel any self-worth, so living or dying was of no consequence to me. However, when I began living in the cycle of a living hell I realized my survival mode was in full swing, and I wanted to live. I can remember the exact moment when I looked around and realized that the next decision I made would determine if I would live a life of addiction and hate or be strong enough to tip the scale and begin to unravel what I had spent years spinning together.

Well, I think it's obvious which choice I made. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without some backsliding, but since that moment I made the choice to learn, experience, and create the very life we are all capable of living. I've met a lot of resistance, had people shun me for no other reason then their misinformation, and lived through some confusing events in an effort to find my Faith. However, what I've gained has been something that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams! The road I traveled on was not one that I'd like to venture down again, but I would if it was the only one leading to where I am now.

I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other. Who knows? I'm just so glad I'm here!

-- Jenn

Pass it On

It's amazing how refreshed a soul can feel after just 30 minutes of sitting in a room of like-minded people. It happens frequently, but for some reason I'm always surprised when I feel that comfort seeping its way back into my heart.

The interesting thing to me is how easy it is to adapt to what's around. I sometimes wonder if that's a good thing, because I am so susceptible to energy that I tend to take on emotions that aren't really my own. I find that negativity can find me easily (which isn't good, but I'm learning ways to protect myself), but I have also found that I can be lifted up just as easily by just a few moments with people who have a positive core as well.

I wonder if "newly" spiritual people find it as difficult as I do to devote time to what they know is good for them. For example, this weekend I went to a new Church which I have wanted to go to for a while now, but I just haven't had the pull inside me to make it there. I had a good time at the service, even if it was more of a metaphysical than a religious experience, and I left there feeling centered and ready to embrace the day. I know that it takes very little for me to feel comfort and peace in my heart, so why do I let weeks go by before I take a few minutes to nourish my spiritual side? I can pick up my Bible and read a passage, take my Science of the Mind textbook and read a chapter, browse online for uplifting messages, yet I don't. Why? I'm not sure, and I tend to explore this for a bit to see what I can come up with.

I like making people happy. I enjoy being there and offering support and love for the people in my life, and I find that when I spend time exploring the "other" part of me, I have just that much more to give. I've been told that I have amazing energy (a compliment that will never grow old, LOL!), and I would love to think that I can pass that on to others who I meet. So, I wonder if I look at it that way, if I might be able to find the time to spend on my inner self.

-- Jenn