Soul Searching Sisters

Renewed

2010-08-03T20:48:00.004-04:00

It has been a while since I posted here, and with good reason: I finally graduated from my transcription course! I decided to put everything on hold so I could reach my dream, and I did it! It was not without a lot of late nights, tears, and questioning if I was "good enough" to do this, but I managed to turn inward, look at my Faith in the Universe, and I decided that I was definitely worth the struggle!

Talk about putting one's Faith to the test! Not only did I do this all by myself by trusting that I could accomplish what I put my mind to 2 years ago , but I decided that I had waited long enough to reach my goal of being a stay-at-home mom. I did everything that I was "supposed to do" along the way while I waited, and, quite frankly, I was sick of it! I was scared, but my desire to be what/where I wanted to be was stronger than my fear, so I set a date to be done with work and put my notice in before I had even graduated. People were amazed, but I just knew that what I was doing was right. I can't explain it, but my very soul was calm when I thought about my plans. True to form, God stood by me through it all, and I graduated about 1.5 weeks before the date I put on my resignation letter.

Granted I don't have a job or even the prospect of one, but I still feel comforted in my heart. I just know that this was right for me and my family, and I plan to make every moment count!

In Dreams

2010-06-01T21:23:00.002-04:00

had the strangest dream last night. I was in the middle of a ransacked area with acidic fluid raining down from bombs. I was able to get to a closet with the kids, and I had a raincoat on. I was hunched over them with the door closed, and I kept trying to keep the collar of the coat up over my neck so that the acid couldn't burn through my skin. The areas it touched were eating away at my flesh, burned horribly, and left just the bare bone exposed. But, I was able to keep them safe.

When I felt that there was enough time to get out of where I was I began to run. I kept thinking, "Where are we going to go? Where would the rest of the survivors go?" I suddenly realized that I would, of course, go to a Church! As I ran I couldn't help but think how strange it was that I would be going to a Church. Stranger still was the realization that, even those people who denounce God and say they don't believe, all seem to end up in a Church when there's a crisis. Be it a horror movie plot, real-life war zones, times when people feel they've lost their way.... All souls seem to end up in some sort of religious setting.

That night I ended up in a black-fenced Church yard with all of the other survivors, and we began planning the rebuilding of our lives. Through it all I kept thinking about the irony of it all. I couldn't get it out of my head, the thought that everyone there was a different religion, all had different beliefs and Truths, yet here we were together. And, we had all come to the same place, a Church, because we knew that we would be safe there...

--- Jenn

Rolling Stone

2010-05-22T11:25:00.001-04:00

A lot of things are changing in my life, and with change comes a lot of uncertainty and confusion. I've had quite a few really nice things happen the past 2 weeks or so, and I've also had some not-so-nice things occur. However, I have found that the bad are easier to accept than they used to be. I used to dwell; mull over things in my head until I'd make myself sick. I wonder what I could do to "fix" a problem, what had happened to cause the "bad thing" to happen, what should be done in the future to not let it happen again... But now I don't do that so much. I find it much easier to move forward, and it's a bit scary. I'm so used to the familiar knot in my stomach that I'm nervous when it doesn't follow an adverse event. Sick as that is, it's the truth.

I find that when I'm upset about something I consider three things: 1) Is what happened the Truth of the situation? 2) Did I act in malice? 3) Was it a mistake that I could have prevented in any way? If the answers are "no," then I move on. I can't fix people's perceptions of things, and I can't change something that I did (or did not do) when my intention was nothing but pure. I may give the situation some more thought, but I try very had to not let it become all-consuming. Learning experience, yes. Hurtful reminder, no.

I got a comment from my instructor last night that wounded my psyche a bit. It was a comment that could have ended way before the hurtful statement, but I find 2 good points to this. The first is that I certainly won't make the same mistake again, and I know that it was a stupid mistake, but not one that would have caused anyone harm if it occurred in "the real world." So, I'll take that and roll with it- roll forward that is

New Beginnings

2010-05-12T22:02:00.003-04:00

I am part of something so amazing that I can hardly believe it!

When I finally found "my" Church, I was so amazed that there was actually a place where I belonged. It had taken me years (and years) to find such a place, so I became as involved as I could by attending the classes and the services.

Strangely enough there came a time when I started feeling a bit, well, uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. The energy wasn't the same; I felt almost as if I were an impostor or that I just didn't quite fit into the mold. I started missing services here and there, then more and more frequently... I didn't know what was up but something just wasn't right. I began to feel displaced and confused spiritually again, and I continued to hope that something was just around the corner for me.

Wow. Was it ever!!!

I'm now helping to launch an amazing new vision of a spiritual center. I am so excited and so fulfilled that I just know the Universe brought me to the original center to point me in the direction of this new, amazing beginning! The creator, Alan Vukas, is the main reason I fell in love with the Church I used to attend, and now that he's starting his own vision, well, I can't help but be almost beside myself with excitement. And, the fact that he wants my input? WOW!

What We Feel

2010-04-24T07:23:00.000-04:00

I have always thought of Tarot Cards and Angel Cards as a way to tap into our intuition. I have never believed that the picture revealed is a given, but rather a symbol of what you yourself know but don't want to face (or don't know to face).

I was talking to someone about this today, and we began talking about the book Running with Scissors. I haven't seen the movie, but I just finished the book, and it really haunted me. Partly because of the kinds of people I work with, and partly because I know that we are all just this side of "crazy" ourselves. I often wonder if being around certain kinds of people cause us to be a certain way, or at the very least cause us to begin taking on or emphasizing certain traits, almost as a means to survival. Adaptation is key in the wild, and seeing as we're only domesticated creatures ourselves it stands to reason that sometimes our characteristics, or rather our energy, is subject to manipulation.

Not A Rock

2010-04-10T19:38:00.003-04:00

We all have our faults. Some people have more glaring faults than others it seems, but the fact remains that we all have them, big or small.

I have many, many faults. I overeat, I am jealous, I speak badly of people at times, I have lied... Granted, I have come a long, long way in my journey to overcome these faults, but at times I find myself sitting abreast of them and riding them forward full force before I recognize that I have embodied the very traits I loath in other people.

The one glaring issue I'm having right now is taking other people's circumstances and placing myself into them. In essence I'm judging other people, but in my defense it isn't actually the people I'm judging so much as I'm judging their reality in place of my own. It isn't fair to myself or to these other people, and all I can do is blame it on the fact that I'm so stuck in my own circumstance that I can't fully separate myself.

Does this make me a bad person? I have to ask myself this, because not too long ago I could always give advice that I truly feel was "right" for the issue at hand, and I never once made things about me. However, I find myself getting angry or saddened by other peoples' life experiences, and it isn't fair. When I'm like this, can I be a good resource? Can I really be the person who can offer a strong shoulder and a clear-headed response to questions asked of them? Should I even try?

Work trips always seem to bring out this side of me, partly because I'm so frustrated at my own situation, and also because I am so saddened by my clients current experiences. I look at the surface of people's lives, what they say, what they're doing, and all I can think is "Really? This is what you're doing right now?"

Sigh.

One Choice Away From Changing Your Life

2010-01-18T12:37:00.006-05:00

Saturday night I was home alone with the kids. I had worked on cleaning my office out, and I ended up going through my bookcase (which always makes me laugh because it's filled with such a myriad of themes including Science of the Mind, medical transcription, holistic child care, mysteries, psychic and dreams, meditation, Bible study), and I came across my old journals. Usually I don't give them a second thought, or if I do decide to look through one I'll spend a few moments reading passages from my teenage years, but for some reason I paused when I came across one of the books from my twenties and thought about reading it.

This one particular journal I have avoided reading for many years. I actually refer to that time in my life by a name specific to the person who caused me such a great amount of turmoil, and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. However, I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was somewhat bored, and by the time I finished reading I was literally sick to my stomach.

I don't need to go into specifics about what I lived through because I truly believe that they aren't important to discuss in relation to what I've learned. I'm sure that most of my readers can figure out the types of experiences I had because people who have lived through abuse all seem to share a similar blueprint, and I think that's information enough because we've all be exposed to it either through our own experiences or through people close to us.

Anyway, I did a lot of thinking and meditating after reading my journal. I was upset, embarrassed, saddened, and yes, angry. I went through the process of grieving, feeling isolated, and then, suddenly, the next day I began to feel at peace. I began to feel grateful even, because I have no doubt in my mind that the Universe provided this experience for me to live, overcome, and move forward from. I felt a calm in my core that I haven't felt before, and I could almost feel the piece of my heart that had been so bruised by those years become warm again.

Now, I'm not saying that I think the abuse was created by the Universe or God or the Divine Source and that it was the "Plan" for me, but I do think that the adverse situation I found myself in was part of my "blueprint". I can honestly say that before "that time" I was a lost soul; a confused and depressed person who questioned where they were in life, why they were even alive let alone what they were supposed to be doing with their life, and someone who couldn't really sympathize with other people because they were so lost in their own emotion. I was not the sort of person who would have made a difference to anyone.

When I met this person and lived through what I did, I believe it actually may have saved my life. I didn't really feel any self-worth, so living or dying was of no consequence to me. However, when I began living in the cycle of a living hell I realized my survival mode was in full swing, and I wanted to live. I can remember the exact moment when I looked around and realized that the next decision I made would determine if I would live a life of addiction and hate or be strong enough to tip the scale and begin to unravel what I had spent years spinning together.

Well, I think it's obvious which choice I made. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without some backsliding, but since that moment I made the choice to learn, experience, and create the very life we are all capable of living. I've met a lot of resistance, had people shun me for no other reason then their misinformation, and lived through some confusing events in an effort to find my Faith. However, what I've gained has been something that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams! The road I traveled on was not one that I'd like to venture down again, but I would if it was the only one leading to where I am now.

I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other. Who knows? I'm just so glad I'm here!

-- Jenn

Pass it On

2010-01-12T19:06:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how refreshed a soul can feel after just 30 minutes of sitting in a room of like-minded people. It happens frequently, but for some reason I'm always surprised when I feel that comfort seeping its way back into my heart.

The interesting thing to me is how easy it is to adapt to what's around. I sometimes wonder if that's a good thing, because I am so susceptible to energy that I tend to take on emotions that aren't really my own. I find that negativity can find me easily (which isn't good, but I'm learning ways to protect myself), but I have also found that I can be lifted up just as easily by just a few moments with people who have a positive core as well.

I wonder if "newly" spiritual people find it as difficult as I do to devote time to what they know is good for them. For example, this weekend I went to a new Church which I have wanted to go to for a while now, but I just haven't had the pull inside me to make it there. I had a good time at the service, even if it was more of a metaphysical than a religious experience, and I left there feeling centered and ready to embrace the day. I know that it takes very little for me to feel comfort and peace in my heart, so why do I let weeks go by before I take a few minutes to nourish my spiritual side? I can pick up my Bible and read a passage, take my Science of the Mind textbook and read a chapter, browse online for uplifting messages, yet I don't. Why? I'm not sure, and I tend to explore this for a bit to see what I can come up with.

I like making people happy. I enjoy being there and offering support and love for the people in my life, and I find that when I spend time exploring the "other" part of me, I have just that much more to give. I've been told that I have amazing energy (a compliment that will never grow old, LOL!), and I would love to think that I can pass that on to others who I meet. So, I wonder if I look at it that way, if I might be able to find the time to spend on my inner self.

-- Jenn

Holiday Happiness

2009-12-02T21:51:00.002-05:00

During the past few months I've realized how few friends I really have because I decided to let the word "friend" mean something more to me than in the past. I've also stopped trying to make excuses for people and thus feeling badly that I don't "measure up" to whatever deserved their time and attention because I, obviously, did not. Because of the change in my thinking I have, in essence, freed myself from feeling less-than-worthy and thinking that there was something lacking in me as a person. With this change of thought came a great calm and a fullness in my heart, and an even greater appreciation for the true friends and the family I have. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I can't think of a greater time to have come to this honest and amazing realization than around the holidays!

I suppose this isn't particularly "Science of the Mind" geared, but this has come into fruition due to my continuous 'studying' of spirituality. So, it seemed fitting ;-)

-- Jenn

Day to Myself

2009-11-14T19:25:00.007-05:00

I did a lot of spiritual work today. I didn't have the kids with me, so I decided to use my free time for me rather than on the house. I went to the book store and spent 2 hours there, first to wander around the spiritual and religion sections, and then to get a coffee and read Pure Inspiration Magazine.

There was a lot of great information in there, as usual, and quite a few articles hit me right in the heart. It's amazing how much of "me" I can read into articles about other people; it just goes to show that we aren't as separate from each other as we might think we are!

One of my favorite things I read was an article about Dr. Catherine Northrup. I've heard her name a few times, but I never knew she was such an inspiration in the medical field. She is a paramount figure in Womens health, but her message is true about all human kind. She realizes the holistic approach to our health is so important; that our minds are connected to our bodies in ways that people don't think about very often, and that can lead to a lot of illnesses that may be avoided. We all know it's true, because when we feel badly about ourselves or about situations in our lives, we tend to get sicker easier. Her philosopy is very real and very spiritual... Quite an interesting Lady.

There was so much circling my brain when I left the store! I felt completely recharged and refreshed, and I even picked up 2 new books to add to all the others I'm reading ;-)

-- Jenn

I Get It

2009-11-12T17:55:00.006-05:00

I was in a dark place for a while, but I managed to face my demons and come out the other side alright. Part was due to positive thinking, but the other part of it was due to actually facing an adverse situation in my life. In this particular situation I was forced to confront it because I had no other alternative, and it ended up working out better than I could have imagined.

I have a horrible habit of running away from what scares me or makes me unhappy rather than facing it head on. I know it's a bad habit because 9 times out of 10 it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and all I ended up accomplishing was wasting hours of my life worrying about something that was out of my control in the first place. I've worked long and hard to try and change my approach to things, and I have to say that it appears to be working. Thank goodness, because I've had a lot of tests against my resolve lately!

I'm not angry any more. I've had this simmering anger toward certain things in my life, and no matter how I tried to change my views or approach the situation in a different way it just didn't matter. I'd be hurt, angry, confused, scared... all those toxic emotions that make us so unhappy in our lives. But, in facing the part of my life that was so depressing to me the past month and then having a wonderful weekend full of family and friends at my childrens' birthday party, it really proved to me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have more control over my life than I had realized (in my mind I had known, but in my heart I guess I didn't because I actually felt it this weekend and finally understood), and I am surrounded by more love than I realized. The other stuff, the bad/hurt feelings, are no longer a consideration for me. I am worth so much more than that, and there is so much that is wonderful around me that I just don't care to waste a moment on the other 'stuff.' If it hurts me or makes me feel bad then I'm done with it. I won't allow the external to control me any more, because I am stronger than that. I am NOT a result, but I AM a cause!!!!!

And so it is.

--Jenn

Remember Me This

2009-10-10T09:30:00.002-04:00

I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, wondering why so many people seem to "have it all", and I remembered a quote from The Science of the Mind textbook that states, "... the answer in NOT that God has responded to some and not to others, but that some have responded to God more than others." (pg. 28)

I take this sentence to heart in a lot of ways. The "poor me" mentality isn't my usual mindset, but I find myself falling into it when I feel cornered or stuck somewhere either mentally or physically. Why is that? Because as a human race we've been conditioned to control our environment rather than to control ourselves. We learn from an early age that our environment is to be manipulated rather than taught how to understand and work with the very things that make us who we are; our mind and soul.

I see this happening more and more. Look at the parents who march themselves into their child's classroom and bully the teachers because their children aren't getting the grades they think they "deserve", or the people who threaten coaches of sports teams because their kids don't get to play all the or the team doesn't win. Notice the people who yell at customer service people because these people are unfortunate enough to be on the front line of what ever news they're delivering, the constant violence in the streets because people want more, etc. More and more people are experiencing depression because of our economy, the sate of the World.... People are lacking the very coping skills we were born with because they don't know any other way to be than to be angry.

I have to remind myself every day, and sometimes every moment!, that I have the ability to make my life what it is. I hold the very power and strength that I ask the Universe to give me right here inside; I just have to remember to use it.

Unwind

2009-09-28T15:41:00.002-04:00

I'm wondering if apathy really exists, or if repeating "I don't care" inside your head just reinforces the feeling that you actually do care? Science of the Mind teaches us that once you actually manifest a thought it begins to have motion, but I'm wondering if the form changes depending on the thought around the statement.

I know this sounds cryptic, but I've been having some trouble lately and decided to adopt an "I don't care" attitude about a lot of things. This all occurred due to feeling like I was boxed in to a few different things, and I figured that the "easy way out" might serve me well. It has for the most part, but at some times I get this almost overwhelming feeling of sadness that it about takes my breath away. If it's due to a response of something than I obviously do care, so am I spinning my wheels for nothing?

I'm also wondering (now) if having an "I don't care" attitude is really smart. If the Truth says that you are your beliefs, will it then stand to reason that I will become dead to feelings? That's pretty scary.

Sometimes a Duck

2009-09-14T13:41:00.003-04:00

Kim and I went away, just the two of us, this past weekend. It was a chance to renew and refresh, and I wasn't disappointed. I got to do a lot of spiritual reading, a lot of thinking and, best of all, a lot of laughing.

It rained most of the weekend which was fine by us, but on Sunday morning it started to clear up. I got a cup of coffee in the morning and took a walk by the lake to watch the sun come up and to do some meditation. I felt centered pretty quickly, so I decided to walk on the pier and just look at what nature had to say. What follows is what I wrote when I got back to the room:

"I went down to the lake this morning because the sun decided to make an appearance. I was just standing there, looking at the reeds and lily pads, when noticed a duck on the dock. She was your typical Mallard, but what struck me was where she was; right next to one of the Swan Boats.

I watched her preen herself, this plain brown duck, and began wondering if she felt at all shadowed by the impressive Swan behind her. I wondered if she were trying to pretty herself up so she may resemble the Swan, if she was comforted by just being in the presence of the Swan even though she was just an average duck, or if she was jealous of the swan...

Suddenly she spread her wings and flew off over the lake, a perfect image of grace and beauty. In that moment I realized how foolish my thinking had been, both in regards to the duck and to my own situation in life.

The Swan Boat was beautiful, no question. It was clean, majestic, and obviously well cared for. This pretty-to-look-at boat was created with the idea of completing one goal: to provide safe travels around the lake for guests while making a profit for the resort. It manages to do the job daily, and does it repeatedly in order to maximize the return for the resort, all while remaining beautiful.

So, when does the Swan get to spread it's wings? Well, obviously it can't. Here we have a boat made to look like a gorgeous bird, yet it can't do the one thing that makes birds unique. It's stuck making a profit while at the will of someone other than itself- a slave to someone else's vision of perfection.

But, what about the duck? Ordinary as she appeared, she ended up being extraordinary. She is the one who is happy... and free."

My Moment

2009-08-30T11:27:00.003-04:00

I had a "WooHoo" moment earlier today. I had a few mini "woohoo" moments while on vacation this past week, but I had a major one today.

We came home from vacation a day early so that we could "relax" before the chaos of this week begins. My son starts Kindergarten tomorrow (which is a disaster because he's starting a week late which means they had to unroll him and we have to re-enroll him tomorrow), and we still have some things to do in preparation for that. Anyway, we got home and found out our air conditioning was broken. Living in Florida this is NOT a great thing to have happen any time of the year, and in the summer it's enough to make even the most easy-going person scream. I was mildly annoyed, but remembered that we lived through it a month ago and we could live through it again. Which we did.

This morning my husband went into the attic (read, crawl space) to see what was going on. He had to go to the store to purchase a ShopVac because the water was going where it wasn't supposed to. We hefted it up the ladder to the "attic" and he sucked a good 4 gallons out, then handed the ShopVac down to me, then I had the job of lugging it to the sink to empty it. We did it one more time, and as he was working the ShopVac slipped through the ceiling opening and crashed to the floor. I felt it brush my hair on the way down, and as I watched it open and spill gallons of water onto the floor, the first thought in my head was, "Thank God!"

That was my "WooHoo" moment. Where before there would have been 4 letter words and accusations there was instead a feeling of calm and thankfulness. I actually took a moment to say "thank you" that I hadn't been a fraction of an inch closer to the ladder, because we surly would have been on the way to the hospital. I gave a heart-felt "thank you" for the safety of my daughter who was about 5 feet from the event, my son who was safe, and a "thank you" that my husband hadn't had his hand wrapped in the ShopVac hose and fallen as well.

Even while cleaning up the mess I was smiling because my floors are clean now, the a/c is working, and we'll be laughing about this in a few weeks.

The Universe is kind.

-- Jenn

Crossroads

2009-08-22T13:00:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it's hard to be a grownup. Harder still is the knowledge of what should be done for the right reasons vs. what you want to do for the wrong reason. But, even harder than that is when those thoughts (and the emotions involved with them) tangle together until it's almost impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins.

I'm going through this right now. I'm trying to make sense of my relationships with people, and the excruciating part is trying to decipher what affects me and for what reason. I keep reminding myself to stay positive, to find the positive side of each situation that I find myself encountering, and most of all I try to keep the thought of "everything happens as it should" in the forefront of my mind. However, it's becoming harder and harder to do this when I find myself getting angry. I'm not sure if "angry" is even the correct word to use; I think frustrated is more accurate. I feel boxed in to a corner in some ways because by taking action to remove myself from a lot of the very situations that are causing me to feel this way I will be causing of a lot more 'stuff' than what I'm encountering now. In the long run it may be better for me, but I'm not sure if I want to travel the road that comes before resolution.

-- Jenn

Newspaper Confirmation

2009-08-19T16:19:00.003-04:00

Funny how things happen. As you all know, I'm not a believer in coincidences and the Universe shows me how right I am in a lot of ways. Sometimes it's comical, like how it happened this weekend. I was reading "Dear Abby" and the topic was "Heroes Close to Home". How funny!

-- Jenn

Ride Your Ponies Proudly

2009-08-16T18:42:00.003-04:00

There was talk today of Shetland ponies. Sound interesting? Read on then.

Think about your childhood heroes. Usually they consisted of superheroes, princesses, athletes, people who appeared "larger than life" because of what they did or what they portrayed. They were the "untouchables"; the people that we adored and wanted to be like, but that we had no real hopes in actually being.

Now, think of your heroes today. Who are they? Are they people like the President of the United States? Are they actors/actresses? Sports players? Or, are they people who are closer to home? People who you come into contact with often, people who are ordinary yet impact your life or someone's life who's close to you?

In short, are your heroes riding big steeds, bashing around the countryside making a lot of noise, or are they happily riding along on their little Shetland ponies, content to blend in and do things quietly?

I was thinking about my heroes quite a bit on my ride home from Church today and was not surprised at who came to mind. In all honesty they are friends, family, and co-workers now. I do hold the utmost respect for some of the famous people of the world (like the Dalai Lama and those other truly amazing people), but my heart-felt heroes are the people that fill my life every day.

I have two friends who constantly amaze me. One has come from a horrific upbringing and has lived through horrors that I can't even imagine. She has struggled with money the whole time I've known her but she just keeps pressing forward. Her children and family are her driving force, and some how she finds the resolve she needs to keep going forward when most people in her position would, I'm sure, just throw up their hands and yell "I QUIT!". My other friend has been struggling with her spirituality and, in essence her happiness, for a while. She has been shown the real dishonest side of humanity a lot, has been disappointed by many, and has been forced to do a lot of single-parenting for reasons beyond her control. She doesn't give up though, and I find that her persistence in finding the balance between her spirituality and reality pretty amazing.

Of course, there is my mom. She is my number 1 hero. She amazes me with what she's lived through (alcoholic parents, married to an alcoholic, 2-time breast cancer survivor), yet through it all it has never been about her. Her experiences have never defined her, but they have rather shaped her. They have been situations to live with and through rather than live in, and she has managed to be a pillar of strength through it all. Her life continues to move forward and yet also manages to shift and change around these situations that the Universe gives her; and she manages to live her life so beautifully!

There are more because, of course, every person in our lives' touch us in many ways, but these 3 people were the first ones to come to mind at this point in my life. They are my constants; my real-life heroes!

As the Reverend said today: It takes ordinary people doing ordinary things to create the miraculous.

-- Jenn

Returning

2009-08-10T08:12:00.003-04:00

It's been a long time since I've been able to post on this blog. Between my 9-month-old daughter's health problems, busy times at work, and trying to keep my family's life in some sort of order I'm afraid I let this blog slip to the way-side.

However, now I'm off of work until mid-October. I'll be studying during that time as a well as trying to enjoy my kids as much as I can, but I've also made a pact with myself to come back to this blog regularly. I have been working on my spirituality, and it has been manifesting itself in a lot of ways.

I look forward to updating frequently now!

--Jenn

2009-05-23T06:28:00.002-04:00

I'm going to be trying something new.

There is a lot of chaos in my life right now, and I fear that I am not handling it too well. I'm allowing my reality to be constructed by what seems to be true rather than what I know is true. I fear it's because I haven't been able to go to Church with any regularity, and I've slacked off on doing my spiritual work outside of those days that aren't at the Church. I know better, and I'm only hurting myself when I get lazy.

So, I bought a new journal and I picked up the daily affirmations at my Church. I plan to write an entry every day that follows with the affirmation, thus making the things in my life more of a positive experience than a negative one.

Baby steps...

Time Flies

2009-03-15T18:11:00.003-04:00

I'm very pleased with myself. *pats self on back* I came up with a plan back in February that I was pretty proud of. I figured out a way to sort of "get back" at someone for treating me pretty badly, and the plan I created was one that I knew would hit their mark. I knew I could really play with this person's mind and I was pretty excited to set the plan in motion. My driving force was, obviously, revenge because I felt that I had had my mind messed with enough and in a very calculated manner and I wanted to "give what I got."

However, I managed to step back from myself before I did anything rash. I told myself to hang on for a few days and really think about what I was planning, and I came to the realization that the driving force behind my desire was, well, wrong. I went back to the lesson that anything you do that's driven by hurt or anger only creates more hurt and anger, and that was not what I wanted in my life. I reminded myself that I am not the creator of Karma, and that this person was going to get what they deserved by the natural Laws of the Universe- who was I to step in the way of that?

This was an amazing turn of events in my life and just proves to me how far I've come in this journey. I was always the one who would lash out because I was hurt, or run and leave things unresolved because I didn't want to show any vulnerability at all. In regards to this situation I am amazed that I was able to leap beyond the easy way, that I was able to realize that all I would be doing would be creating even more upset and hurt in a situation that certainly didn't need any more of either emotion.

I do have my moment of weakness and I've slipped up a bit this past month, but I'm nothing if not a work in progress! I am trying to live my life as honestly as possible, but sometimes it's hard when I'm surrounded by toxic people.

---Jenn

Shift of Though

2009-03-14T19:46:00.003-04:00

I've had quite a few weeks of struggling lately. I've feels disheartened and alone, and I even began feeling as life were a hazard rather than a gift. I knew I needed to make a change but wasn't sure exactly what kind of change I needed to make.

It ended up being quite simple, really. As I've been taught and have been trying to learn, I spun my thoughts to positive. I made a promise to myself that, for one whole day, I would find something positive in every single thing that happened to me.

The result? A new happiness. Or, not a new happiness per se, but rather a happiness that felt new because I had lost it so completely.

Every time it happens I'm shocked, even though you'd think I'd know better by now. It's almost as if I get so comfortable in my unhappiness that I don't want to make the effort to change the path I'm on. Even when I recognize where I'm headed it's like I will myself to get to the pit of dispare quickly so that I can get comfortable in my unhappiness. But, once I make that one conscious shift it's and almost instantaneous change within me, and at that point the whole world seems like such a brighter place.

-- Jenn

Valentines Day

2009-02-11T17:03:00.003-05:00

It's no secret that I loath Valentine's Day. I have ever since I was little; I thought it was silly that there was one day a year set aside to "prove" how much you love someone. I think it was a protection thing vs. an honest dislike of the holiday, but the feeling stuck and I have yet to celebrate the day.

However; this year I decided that I will celebrate it. I plan to spend the day celebrating the love of my family, friends and, of course, the Universe. I will light candles in thanks of the day, and I will take some time to meditate and do some affirmations.

So, in planning for the day I searched the web for some ideas on ways to make Valentine's Day a special day for my family. I want to do a craft or two with Ian, spend some time with my husband just talking, and make a point to call all my friends to chat and catch up.... I was looking for other ideas and, even though it shouldn't matter, I am upset with some things that I came across in regards to Science of the Mind. This website for one, which calls my beliefs a cult. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this because I don't feel it's worth my time, but it saddens me that people can be so closed-minded. It's sad to me that someone who seems to have such a strong belief system could bash another's views though, because isn't one thing religion 'teaches' us is about patience and tolerance? The most ironic thing is that Science of the Mind teaches that every religion has it's place, is to be respected and honored, and that we can all learn from each other's beliefs. Funny how things like that happen.

Acceptance...

2009-01-26T10:55:00.001-05:00

It's Monday, I'm exhausted from our weekend, yet I'm in an awesome mood. I'm looking forward to the week ahead and am actually psyched about it. While we did have a great weekend filled with soccer and friends, I also learned alot about myself in just one instance yesterday.

Our ceiling fan in our bedroom is only about 5-6 months old, but we've been having trouble with the light switch recently. Saturday night the light would not turn off so I ended up sleeping in Tristan's room in his top bunk (I cannot sleep with lights on and Sean was passed out in bed snoring). So yesterday Sean decides to try and fix it. (Keep in mind he is NOT an electrician AND when he first hooked the big, heavy fan up to the ceiling he had help from our neighbor.) Long story short, my fan is now in a million pieces because it was too heavy for him to do this on his own and it fell (nearly hitting me by less then a foot). But my reaction to the whole thing is what surprised me. Normally, this kind of stuff happens all the time with Sean and I get so annoyed. He is a bull in a china shop - an accident waiting to happen whether he trips over his own two feet or breaks things (he just broke Kieran's Nintendo DS game holder for instance).

To my surprise I didn't get that annoying feeling, the blood didn't rush to my head and I did not blame or scream at him. I walked out of the room, got Tristan and his things and left for the soccer fields. And that was that.

Acceptance is something I've been working very hard on this past year. And it's paying off. I honestly feel that if you can accept anything - you're better off. You make yourself miserable when you don't accept - when you fight things. Whether it's accepting you have to do something you really don't want to do, or accepting people for who they are - whatever your situation - if you just "accept", you're fine. (This is all stuff I've learned by reading many books: Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle are some of those books.) I've been doing that with soccer as well. Those who know me know it's been a very trying year soccer wise. I'm learning to accept the fact that you cannot make everyone happy and that some just like to bitch and moan - that's their character. I refuse to let myself get wrapped up in it again and I'm just accepting some people are unhappy. And it seems nothing short of a miracle will make them happy either so I'll let them sit in their own delusions and unhappiness without bringing me down with them. I'm accepting that I cannot fix everything and cannot make everyone happy.

Acceptance is part of the key to joy fullness and happiness. Try to make acceptance a part of your everyday life and I promise you, you WILL notice a difference.

-Kim

New Year 2009

2009-01-01T20:17:00.003-05:00

Last night I was fortunate enough to participate in a Burning Bowl ceremony at my Church. If you aren't familiar with this type of ritual, the short version is this: You write down all the negative happening/feelings associated with the previous year and then you burn the piece of paper in a cauldron type of bowl.

One of the greatest quotes read last night was by, of course, founder Ernest Holmes. It was great for bringing in the New Year, so I wanted to repeat it here:

"Life is a blackboard upon which we consciously or unconsciously write those messages which govern us. We hold the chalk and the eraser in our hand but are ignorant of this fact. What we now experience we need not continue to experience, but the hand which holds the eraser must do its neutralizing work."

This was an amazing experience for me. I've never been one to even notice New Years Eve so attending something was strange enough, but then to experience such an inspiring ceremony was pretty awesome. I left there feeling rejuvenated, powerful, and totally in control. The feeling has managed to continue today, so I have great hope that this year is going to be my year!

For a more in-depth explanation of the Burning Bowl ceremony you can visit this site for more information. Remember, just because the first of the year is over it doesn't mean that you can't still have a burning bowl ceremony of your own.

One

2008-12-04T20:18:00.002-05:00

Today Kim and I watched the move "One" which is an independent film that came out in 2004/2005. It was created by a man who woke up one day with a burning desire to make a film based on perceptions of the World and, together with two other people who had no film experience at all, set out to interview some of the top spiritual leaders and thinkers of this century.

The basis of this film was centered around 20 main questions which Kim and I have been pondering since seeing this feature. We thought it would be interesting to post the questions here and get some responses from our readers.

Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
What is the relationship between science and religion?
Why are so many people depressed?
What are we all so afraid of?
When is war justifiable?
How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
How does one obtain true peace?
What does it mean to live in the present moment?
What is our greatest distraction?
Is current religion serving it's purpose?
What happens to you after you die?
Describe Heaven and how to get there.
What is the meaning of life?
Describe God.
What is the greatest quality humans possess?
What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Can't do this one because it requires a non-verbal response.
What is your one wish for the world?
What is wisdom, and how do we gain it?
Are we all One?

I have my thoughts but I don't want to respond just yet. I will say that there is a general theme, in my mind, that runs through most of these.

I'm really curious to see what you all think!

-- Jenn

Holding My Hand

2008-08-24T06:29:00.004-04:00

We have a prayer box at Church. We all send our positive energy for the requests at the end of the service and then the ecclesiastical team does their treatment work for 30 days after that. Rev. Nikki always cautions us that the result we may get may not be the one we wanted up front, but rather is the one that is for the greatest good of all involved.

A few months ago I put a "prayer request" into the prayer box myself. I've only done three requests myself; one was for my mother to beat her cancer, the other was to have a healthy and happy pregnancy, and the other was this request (I'll share in a moment). The first two appear to have been well received and I am so very thankful for that!

Anyway, this request I left broad. I didn't want to make any provisions or stipulations because I'm very aware of the negative affects that can have on the outcome of our desires. I did treatment work on my request and decided to let the Universe work it's magic and help me on my way.

I've had this request in the back of my mind since putting that piece of paper in the prayer box. I haven't "thought it to death" or tried to claw my way through it, but I have thought about it and done mini-treatment work as the thoughts rolled through my mind. I've kept my eyes open and my head clear so I'd be ready when the situation presented itself... And I believe it did!

My request was to find a job I could do working from home so I can raise my children. I feel my son has really gotten an unfair 'start' in life with me having to work full time and I don't want this new baby to be put in to daycare at six weeks old. It's been a driving force for me, so I decided to ask for the Universe's help.

As I said, I didn't push the issue with myself; I just stayed receptive and I was almost guided to a possible solution without any manipulation on my part! Here's how it fell together:

I'm a member of an on-line expecting club. One day someone started a thread about what we did for a living. I don't normally read through all the posts to a subject like that (there were over 100 responses) but I did. There were the usual teachers, social workers, paralegals, but there was one woman reported that she worked from home doing Medical Transcribing. I decided to contact her to see if it may be feasible for me to do something like this, but I wasn't holding out too much hope since I know that's one of the 'careers' that falls victim to scams. She wrote me back and gave me all sorts of information about it, along with the website to the school she graduated from so I could do research.

I spent 2 months researching the school and the profession itself. The downsides were money (4 thousand dollars for the course) and a time line of 18 months. I spent those two months agonizing over the decision and reading over every bit of information I could get... And then I realized something. Here I was, being handed something that I had asked for, and I was trying to find every reason not to follow the Universe's lead! How silly was I being? I had this opportunity handed to me, my prayer answered, and I was choosing to sit by and stare at it? No way!

I enrolled. Just like that.

I immediately began introducing myself on the forums. After two days I got a private message from someone who lives near me, which is pretty amazing considering this course is world-wide. It got stranger still as we progressed in our discussions; she's newly pregnant, has suffered miscarriages just as I have, is on the same medical supplements as I was, and is on the same blood clotting medication as I am! We have a plan to meet up when our schedules allow and I can't wait.

So, although I'm a bit overwhelmed by the stuff I have to do, I have no doubt that this was a gift received from the Universe itself. I am so very thankful to have this opportunity and I will do everything I can to make it a success!

Breathing Room

2008-08-22T19:26:00.003-04:00

The past couple of nights, after I'd get settled comfortably into bed, I'd turn the TV off and just lie there, concentrating on my breathing and meditate. I'd concentrate on the part of my body that hurts and try to mentally fix what's wrong while pushing the pain down around my shoulder, through my arm and out my fingers. It might sound nuts, but it's working! And after yesterday when I actually saw on the MRI where the herniated disc actually was, it helped give me more of a visual so that when I went to bed last night I could concentrate better on what it looks like, what it should look like and where in my body it actually was. After that, I'd then concentrate on what's important in my life - everything that's good - and I'd fall asleep with happy thoughts running through my head.

That little pep talk I gave myself in the previous post before this also helped. I was focusing too much on the pain and the "this isn't fair" and the poor me. My "pain body" was taking over and I can't stand seeing that in others so seeing it in myself was even worse. So I decided I'm done with my pain body - it's gone! And today was a good day!

I just read the Daily Motivation for today and it was right on. It's all about acceptance and enjoying life no matter what. Once I accepted what I've got and that it might take some time to heal, I felt better. Acceptance is huge in any situation you find yourself in. I do know one thing: since this has happened I've been worried that I'd lose feeling in my arm and eventually wouldn't be able to completely hug my kids anymore. That scared me the most. Or I'd worry that it was even worse then it is and would eventually effect me walking and I'd no longer be able to play with my kids (something I wasn't doing enough of right before this happened). So I can guarantee you that my kids get TONS of hugs everyday and that once I get the OK to do physical activities, I will be outside playing and running around with my family!!! Sometimes the universe throws these little "wake up calls" at you just when you need them!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Breathing room

Look back on your life up to this point and you'll quickly see that many of your worries and concerns were completely unfounded. So why do you still insist on cranking out those worries at every turn of events?

How many times have you looked back on an occasion with the regret that you didn't simply enjoy yourself? There's nothing you can do about those past regrets, but there's plenty you can do about right now.

It's ridiculously easy to enjoy life, no matter what the situation. It's just a matter of letting go.
Let go of the worry and anxiety, of the anger and envy, of the need to be right and the need to control everyone else. Let go of the need to have everything your way.

Underneath all those layers of need and worry and negativity, there is pure joy. When you simply accept what is, and choose to enjoy the goodness in it, life can be wonderfully rich and beautiful.

Stop worrying and fighting so much, and start enjoying a little more. Give joy some breathing room and it will flourish in your life. -- Ralph Marston

-Kim

Intuition...

2008-08-21T17:50:00.004-04:00

and that feeling that something isn't right.

In my 36 years of life I have to admit I've been very lucky when it comes to my health. I've had a few surgeries, a few bumps in the road but nothing major.

When I was just 11 years old I started with bad pains in my right side. I couldn't sit, couldn't stand - it was horrible. We went to countless different doctors - gynecologists, urologists, psychologists, etc. They did xrays, IV Pilograms, ultrasounds, countless kidney scans and cat scans and couldn't find a thing. At one point I ended up in the hospital for over 3 weeks for a severe kidney infection. But after I came home I still had bad pain and the doctors sent me to a psychologist saying it was only in my head. Only I knew it wasn't. I knew my body, even at that young age and I knew something wasn't right. So, luckily my parents believed me and we took those same xrays and cat scans up to New York University and within 15 minutes we knew what was causing my pain - kidney stones! I had 7 in my right and I think 5 or 6 in my left! I followed my intuition (along with my parents help) and found out I was right!

Through the years since then I've been healthy. I've had Bunion Surgery (on both feet) and on one foot twice, a laporoscopy and a C-section and that's about it.

For the past 2-3 years I've had this numbing sensation in the back of my left shoulder which spread to about a 2-3 inch radius. I'd tell the doctor when I was there for checkups and he'd have me push and pull with my hands and my arms; checking for any weakness in that arm and would find nothing. But in the back of my head I kept thinking to myself that something wasn't right.

Which brings me to today. This past week I found out I have a severe herniated disc in my neck which is causing pain and numbness in my left arm and pain in the back of my neck/shoulder. No, it's not life threatening and yes, I know it's just another "bump" in the road but I'm kind of mad at myself for not listening to my instinct and not pushing the issue like I did when I was younger. And I could bring up all the lame excuses like: "I've got 3 kids, they come first". Or "there's so much going on all the time I don't have time to take care of me". And I'm sure there are a bunch of others I could think of if you gave me time to come up with them.

The fact is I ignored my intuition - something I usually never do. And I'm mad at myself for it. Had I pushed the issue, I might not be here, stuck on my couch like I have been for weeks now. And I'm now left feeling guilty as hell because my poor husband is starting to get frazzled and run around like a chicken with his head cut off.

I've been beating myself up lately for this and am only making myself feel worse. It is what it is - just another bump in the road and it soon will pass!!!! (I just need to keep reminding myself that! And hoping it's sooner rather then later that it passes) ;)

This is a lesson well learned for me: don't forget to listen to that inner voice you have! It may be more in tune then you really think! Which brings me to the nagging feeling I have after seeing the orthopedic surgeon this morning: that what they told me just isn't good enough. I don't know if it's because they can't help get rid of this pain right now; or because I heard some negative things about the office before going; or if I really should just go and get a 2nd opinion.

I think tomorrow morning I'm going to call a neurosurgeon who comes highly recommended and make that appointment for a 2nd opinion. I need to follow my intuition and this nagging feeling I have!

I can't help but think of a quote that Jenn has on one of her blogs that says:
"When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time." – St. Francis De Sales
I can sit here and choose to bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself and fight the fact that I need to rest to get better or I can just go with the flow, feel that my body just needs to rest to get better and let it happen.

-Kim

How do I stop my negative thoughts?

2008-08-14T08:53:00.005-04:00

There are no coincidences right? So when I saw the below in my email this morning it not only helped me out alot but made me smile. I've been in alot of pain lately due to what they think is a spur on my spine in the upper left part of my neck. I'm going for an MRI soon to find out exactly what it is, but of course negative thoughts have been flowing throughout my brain as to what this could be (other then a spur) and I've had countless nightmares about it. The past couple of days negative thoughts have filled my brain because of this and then there's a few other things as well rolling around in there.

After everything I've read this year and how great I was feeling, it's amazing how quickly you can forget what you've learned and "fall" back into being sad or depressed or just having negative thoughts. So the email below couldn't have come at a better time!

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret

"How do I stop my negative thoughts?" - is a question that I have been asked many times. If you have ever asked this question then you will feel such enormous relief in knowing the answer, because it is so simple. How do you stop negative thoughts? You plant good thoughts!

When you try to stop negative thoughts, you are focusing on what you don't want - negative thoughts - and you will attract an abundance of them. They can never disappear if you are focused on them. The "stop" part is irrelevant - the negative thoughts are your focus. It doesn't matter if you are trying to stop negative thoughts or control them or push them away, the result is the same. Your focus is on negative thoughts, and by the law of attraction you are inviting more of them to you.

The truth is always simple and it is always easy. To stop negative thoughts, just plant good thoughts! Deliberately plant good thoughts! You plant good thoughts by making it a daily practice to appreciate all the things in your day. Appreciate your health, your car, your home, your family, your job, your friends, your surroundings, your meals, your pets, and the magnificent beauty of the day. Compliment, praise, and give thanks to all things. Every time you say "Thank you" it is a good thought! As you plant more and more good thoughts, the negative thoughts will be wiped out. Why? Because your focus is on good thoughts, and what you focus on you attract.

So don't give any attention to negative thoughts. Don't worry about them. If any come, make light of them, shrug them off, and let them be your reminder to deliberately think more good thoughts now.

The more good thoughts you can plant in a day, the faster your life will be utterly transformed into all good. If you spend only one day speaking of good things and saying "Thank you" at every single opportunity, you will not believe your tomorrow. Deliberately thinking good thoughts is exactly like planting seeds. As you think good thoughts you are planting good seeds inside you, and the Universe will transform those seeds into a garden of paradise. How will the garden of paradise appear? As your life!

May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

-Kim

A shift...

2008-08-06T09:09:00.005-04:00

For some reason on Monday I felt a complete shift in myself. I can't pinpoint when, how or why. I'm not sure what happened to make this "shift" come about - if it was something I read, something I heard or just a feeling that I had. And I can't even completely explain it.

It's kind of like when you're watching a movie and all of a sudden the screen looks like water rippling. I'm not sure if that makes any sense - it makes sense to me so I guess that's all that matters. (And no, that's not how it actually happened; my vision did not get like water rippling; that's just how I'm describing it.) Or kind of like when there's been an earthquake halfway across the world but you somehow feel it and know it happened even before hearing it on the news. I don't know how else to describe it.

I just feel different. And not in a bad way, but a good one!

-Kim

An epiphany?

2008-08-03T17:47:00.002-04:00

Before I started to write this post I looked up the word epiphany just to make sure I was using it correctly and came up with this:

e·piph·a·ny [i-pif-uh-nee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -nies.

1.	(initial capital letter) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.

2.	an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity.

3.	a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

4.	a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.

And yes, after reading the definition I figured I'm using it correctly.

For a while now I've felt that I needed to go back and read the very 1st book that got me started in this new "awakening" or "becoming conscious": Ishmael. But I've been hesitant in starting it again for a few reasons; one being I have a list of other books I haven't read yet that I really want to get started on. Another reason being in the back of my mind I kept saying "I really don't need to read it again" but I wasn't sure why. Now I know why.

After reading the book Ishmael I had so many questions. The biggest one being of course "Now what? How do I help save the world?" I got my answer to this question a few minutes ago when I was online looking for an Ishmael "study" group. I came upon a question and answer page at the Ishmael website that made me smile. Daniel Quinn (the author of Ishmael) answered the question of how, which is what most people ask after reading his book.

His answer was this:

"By far the most frequently asked question I receive is some form of "Yes, but . . . what exactly am I supposed to DO?" There is no single recipe for saving the world (anymore than there is a single recipe for making a cake or building an aircraft). Rather there are six billion recipes, one for each of us, since each of us is uniquely placed in the world, with unique talents, opportunities, and circles of influence.

Humanity is teetering on the edge of extinction, and its future will be decided in the next half century. What is one to do about this? Albert Einstein said, "The world we have created is a product of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking."

I've often likened our situation to the beginning of the Renaissance. People weren't running around asking themselves, "How do we make this thing work?" The Renaissance didn't come about because people began to do new things; rather, new things began to be done because people were thinking in a new way. A new synergy developed that transformed European society. This is what must happen again, now, and this is something we can all collaborate on (and must collaborate on).

You ask what the narrator "would have done" following his encounter with Ishmael. That should be obvious. Ishmael told him to "teach a hundred what I've taught you and encourage them to teach a hundred." He did even better than that. He wrote a narrative of his encounter with Ishmael, thus sharing it with hundreds of thousands of readers around the world. That's not something "everyone" can do, of course. It was just what he could do, which is what everyone must discover for himself or herself (which was true for me as well).

After reading his answer was when the epiphany happened. I didn't realize it, but all of this time I have been answering my own question of how by trying to become a better person and reading all of the books that I have and doing my own research and trying to find my place in this world. The past year I have changed my way of thinking. I haven't been sweating the small stuff as much and have been working on being happy. And when this realization hit me a feeling welled up inside of me: one of completeness and love. And it feels awesome. I knew I was on my way but to actually "see it" is huge and one of the best feelings in the world.

I now don't feel as if I HAVE to read Ishmael again. At least, not right now.

-Kim

Reading Time

2008-08-02T10:36:00.004-04:00

I'm reading the book "Eat Pray Love" right now, and it's quite different than I thought it would be. I was expecting an explosion of spiritual awakening, but so far (I'm 100 pages in) it's a more gentle experience.

I found quite a few lines that interested me, but one has really hit home: "The Bhagavad Gita- that ancient Indian Yogic text- says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody Else's life with perfection." (pg 95).

This is true and obvious, but for some reason it really gave me pause. I have been thinking of my own life so far, and I have to question the validity of who I am versus who I'm trying to be. I think we all have a vision of our lives and what we're trying to accomplish, but are those lives without the influence of the people we meet? For instance: I have a friend who's financial standing is something that I would love to accomplish. I don't think I'll ever get to the point she is, in part due to my chosen line of work and the things that I value in my life that differ from hers. But, in striving to accomplish some sort of the same financial stability because by knowing her I know it can be done, am I trying to live "an imitation" of her life?

It's an interesting thought.

There are no coincidences!

2008-07-29T00:13:00.000-04:00

I have always believed that there are no coincidences - that everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. I've also always believed that everyone you meet has something to teach you. Whether it's something about yourself, something about others, doesn't matter what it is. And lately, I've been more perceptive to everything: whether it's someone I make eye contact with, something that happens that teaches me something; whatever it is I'm more aware, more conscious.

Lately I've been having things just happen. I'll have questions and not too long after asking the question (most of the time asking myself the question) I'll get the answer somehow. If you recall, not too long ago I had a horrible nightmare. That same exact day I came upon a Dream Revealer website without doing a search for one. Coincidence? I think not.

Today, I blogged about feeling like I was stuck. This afternoon I came online and checked my Google Reader to see who of my bloggy friends had been busy and found this from the Peaceful Warrior Blog. And it made me feel so much better!!!! And then just an hour or so ago I came upon something on TV that was talking about places to stay that are literally out in the wilderness, far away from civilization! Just what I've been craving for lately.

This afternoon I also noticed my horoscope (which is odd because it's actually for Tuesday and not Monday - Monday being the day I found it on my homepage!):
Horoscope for July 29, 2008
Today's Libra Horoscope
(September 23 - October 22)

Relationships are more important to you now than ever, for you are working through very deep-rooted issues. Your current expectations may be based on lessons you learned in your childhood or even from early family dynamics. Understanding where you come from can clear your current perspective of unrealistic dreams that only set you up for disappointment. Engage in social activities without trying to turn them into anything but the simple pleasures that they are.

Trying to figure out my early childhood dynamics is something I've been doing now since I finished reading The Celestine Prophecy! More of which I'll blog about later on.

If I could just fall asleep right about now it would make my day! But my mind won't stop racing.

Feeling stuck!

2008-07-28T10:59:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling stuck, almost at a standstill. The past month I've been heavily reading some great spiritual books which have helped me to grow spiritually. One was Way of the The Peaceful Warrior and the other was The Celestine Prophecy. Both are AWESOME, AWESOME books. Sean and I have also watched both movies and he actually liked both. The movie for Way of the Peaceful Warrior was horrible in my opinion - for those that have already read the book that is. It just didn't do the book justice. The movie for The Celestine Prophecy was better. Not as good as the book of course, but still okay. (If anyone is interested in either of these stories, read the book 1st!!!!!!) After reading these books I felt awesome. The Celestine Prophecy reminded me alot of Ishmael and My Ishmael- only giving you the answer to the question "how". And The Celestine Prophecy reminded me alot of A New Earth - only CP is in story form. And I felt great for a while. The past few days though I've almost felt stuck. Like I'm not sure how to proceed in a way. I keep having this urge to go away into nature for a few days and just sit. And I feel as if I can't move on until I do just that. That may sound crazy but it's how I feel.

-Kim

July 13th

2008-07-13T13:15:00.003-04:00

I finally made it back to Church and I am starting to feel whole again. I had a few things I needed to make up my mind about and time is running short, so I decided now was the time to get back into the sort of "guided Spirituality" I so obviously needed.

I actually laughed out loud when Alan said, "This will be a discussion on Making Decisions"; I couldn't believe how obvious the Universe was being!

Alan started off by discussing how when you identify yourself with outer things such as your job, your political affiliation, etc., you are showing the 'small' part of yourself, the limited part of your being. In cases such as this we need to expand our ego (which, if you look the word up, truly means the identity you've created for yourself), to include our inner selves.

He also spoke about limits and how we are all guilty of arguing our limitations. "If only X hadn't happened to me, I could..." or, "I can't do X because of Y, Z..." We need to affirm the Greatest Good for ourselves every day! We need to believe and live the greatest good we can achieve for ourselves because, by allowing limits, we are denying the law of the Universe to work for us.

We also do this by allowing others to judge us, commended us... in essence limit us and who we are. We are connected at the core to everything and everyone, so we should never allow people's opinions of us to dictate our line of thinking. We know our goodness, know that there is a common good that we are all striving for, and we believe that everyone's heart and soul is attached to this goodness. People's negative thoughts and negative energies aren't the Truth!

So, all that being said, I have come to the conclusions that I'm happy with. I will not let the "I can't because..." and the "What if I'm wrong?" thoughts intrude upon my Truth!

Timing

2008-05-30T06:01:00.004-04:00

I had a great disappointment yesterday and I found myself turning to my Spirituality. That was a fantastic moment because it was a completely unconscious mindset, which proves to me that I'm making progress in my journey!

My parents extended a fantastic offer to my husband and I last week that involved helping us to finance a house in their neighborhood. We saw the house, fell in love, and then my world fell in around us on Wednesday night when my husband said the horrible words, "It's just too much for us."

I cried, I blamed, I got angry. I became a monster inside and spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the center of my anger. Yes, I loved the house, loved the possibility of getting out of this slowly decaying neighborhood I'm in, adored the thought of living within walking distance of my parents... But there was more.

My husband worked the whole day pushing and pulling numbers. He talked to everyone he knew to talk to. He called banks, came up with plans, did some yelling, all while I sat here numb. I did some math of my own, but didn't come up with much (being dyslexic in these situations causes me more grief than results), but I did begin to feel better about it all at around noon on Thursday. I was a bit surprised, but I'm a "hard and fast" griever so I went with it.

We had a contract written up that night and, when ready to send it, got the word that a previous contract had just been received. Ours wasn't needed.

Now, I was expecting complete emotional destruction on my part. I couldn't believe that after all of that work, heartache, fighting, and detestation, that the Universe would just take what I wanted from my grasp!.... But, nothing happened. I was disappointed, but that's all: Disappointed.

I did some treatment work about the situation and then thought a lot about it all last night and this morning. It is so unlike me to look into defeat and just shrug my shoulders, but I have. I am still half waiting for a breakdown, but I just don't feel it, which makes me think that I'm beginning to get some control over my life.

That's what it boils down to, right? I think I freaked out in the beginning because I felt like I had no control over our situation; that we were stuck where we are. Then, when I saw there was a chance to change our position, I was able to calm down and relax. As for the disappointment in losing the house? I can only explain that by control as well. I did treatment work (control because I have Faith in the results) and, because I can accept that all of this fell apart for a reason, I experienced another aspect of control.

I truly believe the Universe did what it needed to do to keep me and my family safe, and who am I to argue that?

--- Jenn

The Power of Now!

2008-05-29T14:33:00.003-04:00

Last week while waiting for Sean to get out of surgery I finished up the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and it was perfect timing. It made me feel so relaxed and has given me new ways to deal with life, people and situations in general. I felt rejuvenated after reading that and like a new person with a new outlook on life. I felt like I found another part of "home" just like I did when I went to my church for the first time last year and just like I did after reading my other favorite book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn or also like I did after watching The Secret.

I eventually am going to reread this book and will go over it chapter by chapter right here on this blog. But that will have to wait because while reading A New Earth, it kept referencing another book he'd written before this one called The Power of Now. I just got this one in the mail today and I am so excited to get started reading it.

I recommend any of these books to everyone! But, you have to be in a certain place in your life; you have to be ready for them. If, while starting to read any of them you can't get into the
book(s) or think "this is all fluff and stuff" or anything along those lines, you're not ready. It doesn't mean you never will be, just that you're not at the place you need to be at this time of your life to begin this new "state of consciousness" where we leave our egos behind.

-Kim

Spiritual Reading

2008-05-24T18:27:00.002-04:00

I'm reading a great magazine right now called "Light of Consciousness". I really enjoy it because it isn't based off of one religion but rather incorporates all sorts of religious thoughts and writings.

I came across a very interesting article called "Awakening to Our Own Light" by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee. To quote:

"Our Higher Self carries a light that belongs to God. When we are born, we carry a spark of this light into our human incarnation; it illuminates the experiences of our early childhood, showing us a world that is fully alive, full of magic and wonder. But slowly, as the adult world closes around us, the spark of our Higher Self gets covered over by the dust and debris of the world, of our conditioning, our desires, our concern with success and failure, our need to compete; it "fades into the common light of day." It might reappear briefly, as the light of conscience that tries to point us in the right direction or the spark of intuition that comes unbidden into our consciousness. But mostly it is hidden, forgotten like the wonder of the world we saw as children. We no longer see the world by the bright light of what is real; we see "through a glass darkly," through the shadowy, distorting light of the ego."

It goes on to discuss the rekindling of that spark, our reawakening, the journey we may take. It also the awareness of divine Oneness (being one with the Universe is my take on that), and responsibility global consciousness requires.

It's a great article. In fact, the whole magazine is fantastic! It's not all parallel to my line of thinking, but I like learning about other peoples' views so it's given me a lot to mull over. I've been reading is as part of my "Challege" this week from the Church and I'm glad I picked it up.

--Jenn

Challenged!

2008-05-18T15:10:00.004-04:00

Alan spoke today, "What Type of Witness Are You?". I love listening to him because he's so dynamic!

He led with the idea that people with big minds talk about concepts, people with average minds talk about events, and people with small minds talk about other people. I almost laughed out loud when he said that because, in thinking back over the last few years, he couldn't be more right when it comes to the company I had been keeping! I was brought back to a few specific instances when I was surround by people who couldn't help but spend the majority of their time talking about other people and, as I continued to stand by them, I got a first-row look into their small-mindedness. From what I've learned, such verbal behavior is usually an indication of the way such people conduct their whole lives, and sadly it seems to be a behavior pattern that doesn't change often.

Another interesting thought brought up was that Spirit will reveal the Truth about us and others if we stop judging appearances. That keeps running through my mind because it's so amazingly simple in theory, but so hard to keep in one's head. In today's society we are bombarded with news stories, images in the media, fast technology where we get receive information from family and friends with lightning speed, not to mention that we are constantly given insight to others' opinions through blogs and other 'personal' formats. It almost impossible form an opinion about something before hearing about someone Else's view of the situation!

One of the greatest things he discussed was the idea that we know our own Truth through experiences. External "testimony" versus internal testimony- meaning we must live consciously our we run the risk of becoming a 'false witness' by not testifying by our own experiences. For instance: If we've heard something and repeated it, not knowing if it's in fact the "Truth" for us because we've never lived it, is that truthful testimony? As he so bluntly put it, "Is that a Truth you're willing to die for?" In essence, it's living by default rather than living by design!

So, here's the challenge he put forth to us today:

1. Refuse to be a small person with a small mind. No gossip!
2. Go on a news fast. Don't fill your day with images and testimony from 'sources' other than yourself! Go with the premise "I know what I need to know when I need to know it."
3. Do 15 minutes of spiritual work a day (reading, meditating, writing... What ever brings you spiritual peace). He then requested that 7.5 minutes of that be meditation.

Think you could follow this? I know a lot of people who couldn't do it! I'm going to try...

-- Jenn

Love

2008-05-15T18:11:00.002-04:00

Love was the topic last Sunday. That's a pretty broad subject and one that I'm not too comfortable with to be honest. I feel that people say "I love you," all the time and don't mean it or, if they do mean it at the time, it's usually a fleeting feeling that ends up dissipating or changing form soon after the words are spoken. *Shrug* I know, it's an 'issue' of mine.

Anyway, the whole discussion what wonderful in it's delivery, but two things really stood out in my mind.

The first was the sentiment that noticing our shortcomings in love is a sure sign of potential change. This was a huge thing for me to hear, because for a long time I've been thinking about the way I love. It may sound strange, but I protect myself very carefully and have for a good number of years. It's become very evident in the past four years; ever since having my son in fact. I am terrified of loving someone 100% because the very thought of allowing myself to feel something so deeply and completely and then having it taken away, leaves me with such a sense of dread and fear that I almost can't breathe. I am very aware that I don't love my spouse or my son with abandon and I've been working to change that. I love them the most and the best I can, but I also know that I don't love recklessly and leave my heart wide open to everything. I know some of that is left over from the horrible start my son had in life and the weeks I spent preparing myself to lose him, and I know as far as my spouse goes it has a lot to do with fear of losing him as well, but I also know that I want to let go and love like there is no end in sight. I've gotten close with my son, but every time I experience such an overwhelming rush of emotion I pull myself back because I become terrified. My hope is that, in recognizing that I'm missing so much, I can change this. I know I'm missing out!

The second thing I found so moving was the deliverance of the thought: You can always find a way over the tallest mountain. Even when it looks like you've reached the end of the path and no matter where you turn there are objects blocking you're travel, continuing looking. It may take some time and it may take a little bit of imagination and thinking outside of the norm, but there is always a path, even if it's one that leads straight up and appears to be too difficult to navigate. It isn't, once you put one foot in front of the other.

--- Jenn

Searching...

2008-05-05T13:44:00.003-04:00

I find that whenever someone close to me passes away, I start searching for answers to questions. My father's cousin lost his battle with cancer last night and all day today I've had sobbing fits. I feel much better having found a church I call home and having some better answers, but I'm still a bit lost. And it's not with the question of "where is he now" it's more of thinking of him saying goodbye to all his loved ones this past week and then they in turn saying goodbye to him. He'll never again be able to hold his wife, or see his children or grandchildren smile or hear them laugh. Never be able to watch the sunset or ride out on a boat which was one of his favorite past times. All of that is the hardest part of death for me.

Last week when I found out from my mom how bad he'd gotten, she told me that his wife had said he was depressed and would lay in bed all day. And when he got up out of bed he'd just sit in his chair. A little over a week ago was when they told him to go home and have Hospice come in and that he had a year left. That was only a little over a week ago. I'm wondering if he just gave up the fight. And if he did, I don't blame him at all. I just wonder if having a doctor tell you that, sometimes isn't a help at all. I'm so hoping that his last week was filled with family and love and not pain or sorrow or even regrets.

Even though I have somewhere to go now for answers, I still find myself searching. I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers.

-Kim

May 4th

2008-05-04T13:19:00.005-04:00

Rev. Nikki was sick today so the "Roving Rev" Maria filled in. She was great; I really enjoy when I hear 'new' people's delivery of the Science of Mind thought.

Rev. Maria discussed how our minds are like gardens. Now, I know we've all heard that analogy before, but humor me by reading through this because there's a lot to be said for listening to someones viewpoint for half and hour...

"There is a time and a season for every purpose", just like there is a time and a season within our gardens. I really like that mental image because, as I get older, I've found that there is a lot in life that has come and gone. Some things I'm glad to see disappear, but there are other things I'm sad to see end. If I use the above quote to sort of describe the events that cause me sadness, I can see there there really are reasons for the endings. I may wish that I could get these things back again, but in reality their season really has come to end, either because I've changed so much that they no longer hold a place in my life, or the situations themselves were keeping me from growing into the person I want to be.

In going along with those thoughts, there is the premise that forms constantly change. Some forms have to stay the same in order to counteract this phenomenon, the greatest of which is, of course, the Universe, but there are others like love, knowledge.... Because these constants are always constant, we must practice "non-attachment" to those things that do change. This is a hard concept for me to grasp because, in all reality, the way I approach things is hard-driven and 'in it till the end'. Of course, as I think of all the things that have changed these past few years, all of the situations include me giving my whole heart, giving 100% of myself to every one of them. And, why was that? Because I truly viewed them all as "forever," just as I do most things.

In thinking of the mind, it stands to reason that "we get exactly what we plant". Just like gardening, when we 'plant' something (thoughts vs. seeds), the soil doesn't judge or try to change what's planted there; it just cultivates what is. An amazing concept in it's simplicity, but that's what makes it such a great Truth!

Another topic was one about Joy. If we as people aren't experiencing Joy, what's missing? Sometimes we just need to get back to basics in order to recapture that Joy, and sometimes we need a little more, but the fact of the matter is that most times where we're "off center" it's the basics we've forgotten about. Just like when we studied math in school, if we didn't have the basics down, the rest of it just couldn't make sense, right?

Everything we need in life is within us, and just like a seed, we just need to cultivate it to make it bloom. If we could stop thinking "Life would be better when...." and start thinking of how we can bloom where we are, just think of how much happiness and contentment we'd have just by being us!

--Jenn

Happiness Project

2008-05-03T08:14:00.003-04:00

Our Church is doing some exciting things right now, one of which is the "Happiness Project".

There are two big jars set up in the back of the Church, one for 'happy things' and one for things you're letting go of. We fill out little slips of paper for each appropriate thought, and drop it into the jar to symbolize our inner growth and notice of things that are good.

Then we have the "Happiness Commandments" to create. We have twelve that we're supposed to come up with, and then in mid-June we're going to all come together and share our creations. What a great way to spend Spring; thinking about all the good and the good way to live and conduct ourselves!

I thought this was a wonderful exercise because, as I sat down to think, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be! How often do we really spend time thinking of happy ways to live our lives? I'm sure we all have the usual, "Be nice to others, treat people how you want to be treated," ideas, but to find twelve is quite a test.

I came up with seven yesterday. I had an event occur that really upset me, so I decided it was the perfect time to work on something like this. So, here are my seven:

1. Remember: They're having their own life experiences
2. What doesn't effect me shouldn't affect me
3. There's a positive lesson to every experience if we just take the time to find it.
4. Listen; don't just hear what people are telling you
5. You can only live your own life, not anyone else's
6. Act as you want to feel
7. Intuition is important. Remember to listen to yourself

That took me an hour.

I encourage you to try it yourselves! Try it and see how you do; I'd be interested to hear about it.

- Jenn

April 27th

2008-04-27T18:11:00.002-04:00

Today's sermon was... different. Kim, my mom, and I left there kind of scratching our heads in wonderment, trying to make sense of the words we heard.

The discussion was about "Bones and Legos" and how multi-million dollar companies are spending $7,000 to have two-day workshops where they build 'abstract manifestations' of real working situations. That led to the story in the Bible about bones coming together to become human... and at first I didn't get it.

As I've mulled it over today I think I have an idea of what she was trying to communicate, at least in my own mind: It's sort of like in life when you have piles of things and you aren't sure how to create a final project/result. You look and think and make plans in your mind... but it's really your faith and belief that guides you toward a solution, just like having a pile of bones snap into place.

I wanted to give a brief update on my a/c situation as well: Turns out it was only a $250 fix. Not only that, we got a great quote on a new unit that will save us about 50% on our fuel bill. Not a bad result for someone who didn't even know how they were going to pay for it to get fixed!

Needing to Hear

2008-04-13T17:06:00.004-04:00

Today they spoke about finding your oasis in the desert. It was a wonderful sermon, and it was just what I needed to hear.

I've been feeling a little down the past few days, worrying about finances and other such things, and then on Friday night our air conditioning broke. Living in Florida without a/c is almost unthinkable, and when it happened all I could do was cry because I know that a new a/c unit is thousands of dollars. We don't have hundreds of dollars, let alone thousands! So, this event coupled with some other things that have happened led me to give up. I am usually the one to find positive in everything, to point out what good can come of something, but this was all too much to bear. I even said, "That's it. I don't care anymore. We never get ahead as hard as we try, so I'm over it. I'm done."

I wasn't going to go to Church this afternoon (a sure sign that I needed to go) but my mom comes with me now and I know she needs it. She was diagnosed with breast cancer two months ago (her second time) and I know she finds a lot of peace within the walls of the Church, part of which comes from us going together, so I got myself together to go.

I'm glad I did! The discussion centered around mirages and how they are real concrete things that exist somewhere but appear somewhere else, and how we as humans allow the same occurrence within our own lives to manifest in doubt and fear. For instance; The air conditioner breaking this weekend was true and real enough, but my fear about not having the money to fix it is the mirage; the image of my uncertainty manifesting as disbelief. This disbelieving in God's ability to provide what I need is in itself a mirage! Because of this I know I need to reevaluate myself and my feelings, my inner self and my confidence that I will have the means for the repairs. The other part of this scenario, the means of not getting one's self trapped into following a mirage, is to stop focusing on the horizon. That is, stop looking at the future and the "what ifs" and "if x than y," because that takes the focus off of the now and on the Truth that we know and feel within ourselves.

As I thought more about this, I realized a few interesting things. One is that the temperatures here in Florida are unseasonably low, so we haven't even needed the a/c and won't for a few days. Secondly, by the time we do need it, my overtime should come through and we should be OK. Thirdly, why am I starting to doubt the Universe now? In all the years past we have struggled financially but we have survived. We have had close calls many, many times, and somehow the Universe has provided for us in one way or another. Where some people have a lot of money at their disposal and lack in other areas of their life, we seem to lack in the finance area, yet thrive in all the other major aspects of life. This is what I am thankful for, and I have to remind myself that money really isn't everything, even though it is nice to have.

It's amazing how frustration and fear can manifest itself in so many different ways! I recognize it in myself when I get angry because I know that's how I deal with emotions... What about you? How do you deal with emotions of unrest and unknowing? Is it something you can change? Is it something you want to change, or are you comfortable expressing and feeling things the way you do? How can you go about changing?....

--Jenn

My first meditation

2008-03-22T07:40:00.005-04:00

Warning - this post could be long since it's been a while for me when it comes to posting on this blog so just bear with me. :)

I hadn't been to church before last night in a really long time. Between soccer and other commitments and then Sean being gone for work, I just haven't been able to get there. And I have felt that feeling of peace slowly slipping away over time. I know I've stated before, whether it was on here or one of my other blogs that since last summer, I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness in my heart and in my gut that it felt awesome. I don't know how else to describe it. I know it was a bunch of things happening at once that made me feel that way: finally finding a place to go (a church) where I felt at home at and not like an outsider; forming an awesome friendship with someone whom I believe we were meant to form that friendship at that time; reading book after book and learning that I've already been on my way to enlightenment or awakening or consciousness and I didn't even know it; or just sharing stories with my new found friend of our pasts and our presents and even our futures. But something happened, as again I've said before, around the holidays in December where I felt that feeling slipping away. It could be because of a number of things: my parents health, the stress of the holidays, too much going on. Whatever it was, since then that feeling in my gut and in my heart hasn't been felt.

Until last night. Our church had a meditation and prayer service since it was Good Friday and I am so happy I went. I NEEDED last night more then I originally thought. Before getting there Jenn called me to let me know there were only 3 cars in the parking lot and 1 was hers. In any other situation, I'm horrible in small numbers, especially when it comes to people I don't really know. And as she's telling me this I waited for that nervous feeling in my gut to start and to tell me to flee; to say to her "OK, let's skip this and just go right to dinner". But that feeling didn't come. Maybe it was because I knew I needed to be there and I know how at peace I have felt in the past just from being there. I got there and there were only 6 of us. I sat down in my chair and started talking to Jenn and slowly felt my shoulders relaxing.

As Rev. Nikki started talking, I felt once more at home. Her voice is so soothing and the music that was playing was so relaxing, it just kind of all came together for me. She told the story of what Good Friday meant and then we all entered into a prayer and meditation where instead of talking about the 7 crosses that Jesus had to "wear" she talked about 8 comments or suggestions while we prayed and meditated. What is surprising to me is that for that meditation I was able to close my eyes and not worry there there were only 4 other people in the room that I didn't know - something that a year or so ago I would have been mortified with and the thought of closing my eyes would have scared me. I didn't give it a second thought.

As we meditated and I had my eyes closed and I listened to Rev. Nikki talk a feeling I've never experienced before came over me: first it was like my whole body was kind of gelling together if that makes sense; like my two hands (which were touching each other) had become one. And then it was like I couldn't even feel my body at all. It was beautiful and awesome and I felt whole and at peace with myself and the world.

What Rev. Nikki would do with those 8 suggestions was to say it and then be still so that we could all pray about it and meditate over it and know that it is or it can be. One of the 8 suggestions she said was (and this isn't word for word since I can't remember it) to love everyone and to not hate. And as she stopped talking to let us ponder it, I thought about that. I definitely don't love everyone - right now. But there is no one that I hate. I may not understand people and their actions, nor will ever be compatible with some, but I can honestly say I do not hate. I may get pissed off at people at times, (like I was at the guy honking at me last night on my way to church) but I let myself feel that feeling (which is the ego talking) and then let it go. I truly don't believe that we, as human beings, can allow hatred to enter our lives if we want to be happy.

We were there for a little over an hour and I walked out of there feeling that peace in my gut and my heart that had been gone since the holidays. I felt in control again. I came home and instead of going right to sleep, I read the book I've been reading called A New Earth and learned about the "pain body" and it just all clicked - my "pain body", which had been dormant since last summer, had returned for whatever reason over the holidays and it was what was making me miserable. (I'll get into the "pain body" in another post but not today.) But after last night at church and now knowing what the "pain body" is and how to control it, I'm hoping to not only keep this feeling of peace that I have but to help it grow within myself and my family and friends.

(Edited to add an hour after writing this):
The Daily Motivation for today was so fitting for me that I cried when I read it (happy tears).

Daily Motivator

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Your moment to fulfill

This day is too valuable to waste. The people in your life are too beautiful to ignore.

Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be you. Take a look around, with your eyes lovingly and enthusiastically open to the possibilities.

Most of what you fear does not even exist. Much of what you love is closer than you realize.

You are just one small step away from being on the path toward your most treasured dream. You are just one brief thought away from understanding the richness that is your life.

You have traveled a long way to be where you are. With every step you have gained something of real and lasting value.

Now is a day to move forward with more experience, knowledge and wisdom than ever before. Now is your moment to realize and fulfill the miracle that is your life.

-- Ralph Marston

And so it is....

-Kim

The Laughing Club of India

2008-02-29T09:51:00.004-05:00

The week before Jenn went back to work I went over to her house to watch some films and they were all great! What awesome messages they had! But for this post, I want to focus on one that really made me think. It was a documentary called The Laughing Club of India and it was inspiring! They have clubs over in India (and also here in America) called Laughing Clubs and what they do is meet in a park and just laugh! It takes any stress or tension they might be feeling and makes it feel like it's nothing. They laugh in many different ways and there is usually a leader who tells them how to laugh (with your tongue out, like a lion or tiger, or just a hearty laugh). And watching that, makes you laugh.

I've thought about this documentary since watching it that day, but with our schedules hadn't had a chance to research it. Until yesterday. Our schedules have been so crazy that I haven't been to church in a while and now with Sean gone won't get there for another 6 weeks (actually more since once he gets back we're off to NC for spring break). So I'm trying to keep up with it my own way and it's hard. This weekend I'm going to come up with some kind of routine for daily meditation, reading and just sticking to it.

Anyway, back to the Laughter Club. This week has been hard with Sean gone. And yesterday my parents left to go back to Jacksonville so I was feeling sad and lonely. Last night at dinner I was just in a really bad mood. At one point the kids just started laughing for no reason. It was that hearty, kids laugh too that makes you smile and laugh yourself. And that reminded me of the Laughing Club. So I joined in and started laughing which got the kids roaring with laughter. And it felt SO good! It completely turned my mood around and the rest of the night we played a new game Kieran got for his birthday and just had fun. I have to admit it felt a bit weird at first and I kept thinking to myself "if people saw us now they'd think we were nuts" but that feeling didn't last long. If I can remember to do this whenever I'm feeling sad or depressed or just blah, I know it will turn my mood around completely and make a bad day - better.

Laughter really is the best medicine!

-Kim

Nothing Is Real To Us Unless We Make it Real

2008-01-28T07:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's message was, as usual, right on point for me. Paraphrased, it was that we can't try to shape our lives by trying to manipulate what we need. We spend so much time trying to "fit a square peg in to a round hole" that we miss what is right in front of us! By having such preconceived notions of what is good for us, we sometimes walk right by what is being offered.

I've been working on this a lot the past few months. When I find myself getting focused on one thing, trying to figure out how to make it work without really analysing the problem and all the possibilities, I stop myself and remember that the Universe knows what I need. I have lessons to learn and experiences to be lived, yet the Universe will ultimately provide for me as needed. I have to trust, to have faith, that it will work out just as it should. Don't get me wrong; I do ask for what I want, but I have changed the way of my request. Rather than giving specifics I give a general outline and I make sure to add that what I want must be "for the higher and greater good of everyone involved."

True, the very act of asking for something gives me a sense of control, plus it slows my thought process enough to flip my situation around and find the positive in it. For instance; I've found that when I get disappointed by people's behavior I take a step back and think about why it's happening in my life. What am I learning from it? Is there something that I'm meant to see? Is there somewhere that it's going to lead me? More often than not I find my anger lessening, a greater understanding about the issue occurs, and in turn I get that control over my life back. Now, sometimes I'm slow in finding the answer or the answer ends up being something that I don't want to hear, but I always find the Truth in it at the end.

I have put in to action some of the things that I have learned and come to understand since I started living this Truth and I can honestly say that my life is that much better for it. I have stepped away from situations that were poison to me, distanced myself from people who hurt me or didn't respect my place in their life, and I've managed to see many instances where I've gotten in the Universe's way and, in turn, am learning how to step aside. There is much, much more for me to learn, but I am confident that I am on the right path!

-- Jenn

"The Way It Works"

2008-01-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

"Nothing is real to us unless we make it real. Nothing can touch us unless we let it touch us. Refuse to have feelings hurt. Refuse to receive anyone's condemnation. Believe and feel that you are wonderful. This is not conceit- it is the Truth."

--- Science of the Mind Textbook, page 307-- Holmes

That was the opening prayer on Sunday. It was truly ironic that this message was given to me not two hours before hearing some news that plunged me into an emotional tailspin. My grief was so real and so raw I could feel my heart ripping apart, and I could hear my soul weep. I allowed myself some time to feel the anger and self-pity, but then I gathered myself together and did my best to put in to practice what I have been learning.

The sermon this week was, as usual, fantastic. I listened with my whole being for the full hour, almost as if I knew that something was amiss in the world outside of the church. It was a great hour and I left there feeling such peace, just as always.

Of the most meaningful to me this week were the following:

When we feel lost or lack of wisdom, look within. We all have it, we just need to learn how to access it. We need to believe that we have the wisdom, this Spirit, just as we believe gravity and it's existence. I thought this was a very powerful thought and I've done a lot of ruminating on this the past day or two. To believe in something, to trust something because your soul just feels it, is an amazing thing. The thought of being so grounded in Faith to the point of not questioning it and living your life like it just is, amazes me. This is what I strive for; the constant feeling that "it" is within me!

Two of the best quotes I've heard in a while were uttered during this service. "A double minded man gets nowhere," and, "The archer hit the target in part by pulling away and in part by letting go." I won't taint your interpretations of these quotes, but what I got out of them were pretty poignant!

-- Jenn

"In Confidence, Trust & Faith, I Let Go of the Problem & I Receive the Answer"

2008-01-09T17:36:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about the questions our Reverend asked during the service on December 30th. I'm not sure if I'll ever have "the" answer, but I can definitely review my life the past year and apply the questions she asked to how I lived my life.

Did I improve my life? I can honestly say that I have. When I lost my first pregnancy in February I thought my life was over. I lived in a fog for a while, and then when I lost my second pregnancy in May I was just numb. I struggled a lot but I also used that point in my life to really study what my feelings of the Universe were, what "faith" meant to me, and what possible benefit I could find among the ruins of those two experiences. Then, mid-year I had some challenges socially and I spent a good deal of time questioning my own worth, as well as trying to figure out the true meaning of friendship. When I lost my job in September, well, that was an amazing thing to me. My priorities ended up snapping in to place, and I realized some amazing things about myself. From that point onward I have been working on my own life and making sure that I am 100% present in it. I have discovered that I spent a good deal of energy worrying about external factors that were beyond my control when, in actuality, I needed to spend more time within; that doing so would only better my outlook on the situations that seemed confusing or bleak.

Did I apply myself to the spiritual truth? This is a little bit harder for me to answer because I am still learning with the 'spiritual truth' fully encompasses, but I do think that I've started down the correct path! Finding Church, good supportive friends, and learning how I want to live my life was a terrific beginning...

Do I have plans toward wholeness? I do! I'm starting classes at Church and I have devoted more time to what makes me, me. I read more, I think about the "big picture" of life, and I am constantly working toward bettering myself and my reactions vs. situations and conditions that only include me (rather than those that are mine alone).

-- Jenn

New Years Eve...

2007-12-31T08:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday during church Rev. Nikki talked about New Years Eve and how it's a time to let go of the past; a time for change. She gave us 4 questions to ask ourselves today (and I hope I wrote them down correctly because I was writing pretty quickly. Jenn, if I got some wrong feel free to correct them!!!). :)

1. Look at this past year. Did you achieve the goals that you wanted to? And if not why?

2. Did you improve your position in life materially?

3. Did you apply yourself to spiritual truths that you know to be true? Did you add any new ideas?

4. What are your plans for the new year? What things would you like to complete or start in 2008?

I'm going to think about these questions in the next few days and then I'll be back to write my answers. I'd like to welcome anyone that reads this to answer on here as well. (And this goes for any of our posts).

I am almost done with my visualization board and I have my gratitude rock. The gratitude rock is a rock that I found a long time ago with my children. It's a white rock that we all found one day. I can't remember where we found it or the circumstances surrounding it but I had kept it in my jean jacket pocket because it was something to help kill time if we ever needed it (it's almost like chalk and writes on concrete). I hadn't worn this jacket in probably about a year and when I wore it a few weeks back and put my hand in the pocket, out came that rock. I thought it was very fitting to use as my gratitude object. (Now to just get it out of that jacket and into my pocket book - something I carry with me everyday).

I thought this week being it's the beginning of a new year we could try something to help us start out the new year in a positive way. It's a quote from Ernest Holmes on page 21 of his Creative Mind and Success book: "Refuse to see the negative in anyone. Refuse to let yourself misunderstand or be misunderstood. Know that everyone wants you to have the best. Then you will find things just as you wish them to be."

It's sometimes hard to always find the positive in things. It's sometimes hard to start a new habit, especially a good one. So don't go into it thinking it will happen over night because you will only be setting yourself up for failure. But, if you try and make that conscious effort to do what is said in the above quote, I guarantee it will eventually become something natural to you and you will find your days more fulfilled.

I found the following quote online this morning and because of the sermon yesterday in church and because it is New Years Eve, I found it very fitting. I hope you do as well:

"Never fade

Whatever you fully experience, you never need to leave behind. Whatever you worry about losing, you never did have to begin with.

Without change, life would not exist. With every change is the opportunity to become more fully alive.

The days and weeks and years come to an end. And yet it is always now.

The artifacts and remnants that you associate with the good times will fade and rust and decay, eventually to disappear. Yet the goodness and joy of the authentic experiences will grow ever stronger.

There is no reason to be sad about the fact that time has passed. There is every reason to find joy in the real treasures that you will always retain from that time.

Learn to quickly let go of the meaningless, superficial things that will soon be gone anyway. Invest your spirit and your experience in the timeless values that you know will never fade."

-- Ralph Marston

And so it is.....

Daily Motivator December 30, 2007

2007-12-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

(I had put this on my own blog but it only seems fitting to be here on this one)

I got chills when I read this below. (I have a daily motivator on my homepage that changes every day - hence the word daily - lol). This is almost exactly what was said in church this morning (or what I at least got out of the sermon) and is so true! She talked about reflecting on the past year and how everyone makes mistakes. But we shouldn't dwell on them but rather move forward from them. Turn a negative into a positive. To keep moving forward - the past is just that, the past and is now history. We live in the today and the now.

Time to be your best
When things seem to be at their worst is the ideal time for you to be at your best. When the outlook is decidedly negative that's the time you need to be aggressively positive.

When the situation is difficult and getting worse, there's no need to deny reality or hide from the truth. Neither is there any need, however, to get pulled down with the negativity.

The greatest opportunities come from the most difficult problems. In times of great challenge, moving positively forward -- even if by just a little bit -- can dramatically alter the momentum for the better. And then that momentum can grow quickly.

Keep going. Keep moving steadily forward, especially when circumstances seem to be working against you. Remember -- that's when you can make the most meaningful positive difference.

-Kim

Caelie's Visualization Board...

2007-12-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

I have a daughter who is 7 years old. The other day I was in her bedroom and I happened to look over by her bed and saw a $500 bill from the game Operation stuck to a hook in her wall with tape. I asked her why it was there and her words were "So that one day soon it will be real". I got chills. Since starting this journey with Jenn I haven't talked to my kids about any of it. I haven't even got my visualization board going yet (though I did start it this morning). When she told me this I just grabbed her and hugged her because I thought it was so cute and so cool. I took pictures of it below.

This is a close up of her $500 play bill taped to the hook by her bed.

In this picture you can see exactly where it is compared to her bed. She put it there so she can see it when she wakes up and see it when she goes to bed.

-Kim

Exercise #3

2007-12-12T18:56:00.000-05:00

In light of it being the holiday season and everyone have very little time on their hands, Kim and I decided that we'd have a two-week exercise that is relatively easy to complete.

Borrowed again from The Secret, we've decided to get "gratitude rocks" to carry with us. They don't have to be ornate, so I'm going to use some of the rocks I have currently. The premise behind this exercise is easy: Every time you touch the gratitude rock you give "thanks" to the gifts you have in your life. You may choose to hold a rock when you're upset and need a reminder of the good, you may touch it by accident and have to call forth something spur-of-the-moment, but the idea is that you have a reminder with you; a tangible piece of matter that may very well change your mindset for the better! Remember: There is great power in being grateful!

Exercise #2 - Kim's Results

2007-12-04T14:15:00.000-05:00

I sadly have no results today for exercise #2 which was to create my visualization board. It was yet another crazy week. It's the holidays so I guess that's to be expected! I'm hoping one day this week to set aside some time and pick out pictures. I have them in my head so I'm hoping that counts for something and I go through it every night before bed. There are some pressing matters though where I think I need to have it on that board to keep me on track. One of them revolves around money - especially now since we took Sean's car in to get fixed (took it to somewhere we have a credit card for since we don't have $1000 laying around) and that's just what it's costing us to fix - $1000. I feel ill. I actually started to resort back to the days where I'd get so worked up about money I felt I couldn't breathe. Then I reminded myself it's okay to feel the feelings, but feel them and then let them go and it worked. I'm still a tad bit panicky feeling but I'm working on us receiving money rather then sitting around worrying about it.

Once I get my board done (and I'm making it a task to be completed by this weekend) I will be back to post a picture of it and explain it all. Hopefully once I get that done, and write it all on here as well I'm hoping that goes towards the process of "getting it out there".

-Kim

First Sunday of Advent

2007-12-02T19:55:00.001-05:00

Today we lit the first candle of the Advent Wreath: The candle of Hope- the hope of what is to come! In the Church of Religious Science they use the Advent Wreath as a symbolic way to remember some of the people who helped the world get ready for this new awakening of the God Light within us. Each week we will be lighting one candle in gratitude, acknowledging all of the people who allowed the Truth of God's Light to shine through them as willing servants of God life and love.

The discussion today was "Dissolve the Darkness of Discontent" and it was a pretty powerful message. As usual, the lead practitioner stated that we would hear the messages we were meant to hear and, as usual, she was right! I found a few things especially poignant for me due to some things that are going on in my personal life so I thought that I'd share them here in hopes that they may bring someone else some comfort as well.

A very important message today was the validation of peoples sadness around the holidays. Rev. Niki made a special point to remind us that the season holds underlying reminders of loss for a lot of people and that it's important to acknowledge the sadness during this time of year; especially because there is such a pressure from society to happy and full of joy! So, let us remember that when we come in to contact with people we don't know, or even those that we do; we have no way of knowing what sort of unhappiness their hearts may be experiencing.

There was also an interesting message about moving forward in life, that anything that hinders the current of life leaves us only with stagnation. I was thinking bout this a lot because I know many of us feel 'stuck' in our roles sometimes. Be it our role as mother or father, caretaker, workaholic, always cheerful friend, we sometimes feel smothered by the expectations we set forth for ourselves as well as by those that others set for us, be they real or imaginary. I believe that it's important, especially when we feel like this, to push forward as hard as we can. I think that it's these times that truly show us who we are and what we are capable of!

"In the darkness, the deep darkness that can sometimes come forth, lays the opportunity for some of the greatest light."

And so it is.

Exercise #2: Visualization

2007-11-28T20:45:00.000-05:00

Neither of us got to make our visualization board last week so we decided that this week we would focus on that. I'm currently going through magazines, pictures online, and different positive affirmations I've collected over time. I have a piece of cardboard from a box that I'm going to use to mount the pictures on and I have the perfect place to hang it so I'll be reminded daily of what I can have and will be getting. I'll be able to put myself in the pictures and feel what it's like to live the way I want... now.

Remember: No want is too big or too small.

See you in a week!

My week...

2007-11-27T09:29:00.001-05:00

My week was a week of ups and downs that's for sure. I can't tell if the week flew by or dragged. I do now know and understand the power of both the positive and the negative after this week.

After having watched The Secret at Jenn's last Tuesday, I told myself that every morning I would watch their inspirational video/visualization tool to get my day started. And that worked for only about two days. Those days that I did watch it were awesome though.

After I left Jenn's on Tuesday I felt so awesome and rejuvenated and just alive. I told myself that this past week I would focus on only the positive. And see how that went. My first project was to try and create a visualization board, but with having 3 kids and having to pack for our Thanksgiving weekend at my parents I didn't have the time. So I told myself every night I'd think of those things that I will have on that board and try and focus that way. It turns out, I need to make that board. So many things happen during the course of a day to help you stray from your focus.

Tuesday night I said my thanks for everyone in my life now or that has been in my life and for everyone I've yet to meet. Then I focused on what was going to happen the next day. I knew we had to take Knoxie (our 50 pound 1 1/2 year old Labradoodle) to the kennel on Wednesday morning. Anyone that knows Knoxie knows she's a very spirited, full of energy puppy. And I have always dreaded taking her to the vet or the kennel because I usually come out of there sweating! All night Tuesday night I kept saying that taking her to the kennel would be a breeze and go really well. All morning Wednesday morning I said the same thing. And guess what happened. Taking her to the kennel was an absolute breeze. I don't know if it was because I was much more relaxed just from repeating that in my head over and over or what exactly it was. I do know that dogs feed off of the energy of people so I know she was much more relaxed. And she actually listened to me. Sat when I told her to sit, didn't jump up on people as much as she usually does. I actually enjoyed taking her this time.

It was hard trying to always be positive this weekend up at my parents. It had nothing to do with them, just events that kept happening. My mom went to the ER Saturday morning because of a very high fever. My brothers dog had a tick on her which had to be removed by the vet because it was so embedded in her skin we weren't about to touch it. And then just some other small things here and there. It was an exhausting weekend for me because I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and made sure my parents were set before we left on Sunday. They are both in bad shape right now and living so far away doesn't give me any comfort, but doing what I could while I was there helped a little. I also got a glimpse of them for the first time as old and it's gripped my heart in such a way that I can't stop being sad.

On to what negativity can do to you: Saturday night Sean, the kids, my dad and I all piled in our car to go and see Christmas lights in a town about 30 minutes from my parents. My mom couldn't go with us because of her bad back - she's been in bed now for over a week. On the way there I started thinking about something that I haven't been directly involved in, but that last week turned personal for me because of some things said. It's very easy to be focused when you're not involved and to give others good advice. When it turns personal, it's not so easy anymore. And Saturday night, in the car ride there, I started thinking of what I would say to this person and what I really thought of them. It got so bad I had such a knot in my stomach that at one point Tristan was trying to talk to me and I didn't even hear him.

We saw the lights and got home around 8:30. I was still going through how mad I was in my head. I went into Caelie's bedroom to help her find an AR book from school that she had lost. I bent down to look under the dresser and my right thigh muscle felt like it was tearing in two. Any bad thoughts I had in my head at the time immediately disappeared. I was more focused on my leg and how I was going to stand up.

Sean got me to my mom's bed so I could just sit and relax and about 3 hours later, it hit me. All of the negativity I had been thinking of, somehow manifested into something physical - my muscle. And then I realized WHAT a waste of time I just spent on it. There will always be people and events that will bring negativity into your life. How we choose to deal with them is what makes up our character and our daily lives. I choose to NOT have that negativity in my life anymore. So every time I think of this person/event, instead of a bad picture in my head, I now have a good one. And, the actual picture in my head makes me laugh and giggle because it so far fetched. But the laugh and the giggle help me to steer away from the negative and focus on the positive.

So if you're with me in the future and you start talking about anything negative, don't be surprised if you see a haze come over my eyes. Don't be mad either, it's just my way of not letting it affect me.

-Kim

Results

2007-11-27T06:44:00.000-05:00

Well. I have to say that I am a bit surprised by what happened this week! I focused on money because, let's face it, we can always use more. The hardest part of this exercise (for me) was truly believing what I thought vs. just thinking it. Money has always been a tough subject for me because my family just squeaks by every month. We were a paycheck-to-paycheck family as it was, and just recently I lost my job, so we ended up down a paycheck. The problem with that is that the bills don't stop, right?

My thoughts for this week were: "I have money. Money is flowing to me continuously. The mail is bringing me checks in the amount of $500 or more every week."

The first interesting thing that occurred was my husband's paycheck! Why is this so out of the norm? Because lately he hasn't gotten paid... At all! We can go a month without seeing a check (he owns his own business and sometimes can't afford to pay himself), and this is the first time in four years that he got paid the following Friday! That makes a true weekly paycheck for the first time in 1,460.9688 days!

The second great event was my invitation to participate in a vendor fair. That's great for me; a chance to make some money!

Thirdly, I got the notice from unemployment that I have been approved. This is huge because I've been fighting with them since the beginning of September. The final number is good, and I have a lot of back weeks that will be deposited soon.

Fourth: Some stocks I had got bought out by the new owner of the company. I got the final number from my broker and that number in my bank account will be helpful for the holiday season.

The fifth thing is a bunch of little things. I got a few $50 checks from people who owed me money for one reason or another. It's helps a lot since I was wondering how I was going to pay the electric bill!

So, that's my update on the weeks exercise. Now it's time for Kim to check in!

--- Jenn

Exercise #1: Power of Positive Thinking

2007-11-20T13:26:00.001-05:00

Take a moment and think about your thoughts. I know that sounds redundant, but hear me out! Most of us have one or two thoughts that are constant and are negative in nature. For instance: "I have no money," or "I'm lonely." These are thoughts that are unconscious most times but affect us.

Take that thought (or thoughts) and reverse them. Make them positive! Write them down if you wish. For example: If your thought is about having a lack of money, start thinking about yourself with money. Feel it. Believe it! Imagine what you'll get with the money you have. Not when you have it, but as if you have it already. Visualize your bank balance at what you wish it would be. Feel what it's like to get checks in the mail. Don't think of it as "I want to get out of debt" but rather "I have what I need and this is what I have."

A great tool for this is to create a "Visualization Board". Just like they discuss in The Secret, cut out pictures of things that you want to obtain. Write out affirmations that you want to live by. Put this board up where you'll be able to see it, and experience it. Live it! Feel the wind as you sail on your yacht. See yourself in that new car.

Try this for a week. That's the goal. Be as real as you can and truly believe.

See you in a week!

Why We Started Soul Searching Sisters

2007-11-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

We met through a local Mom's Group. It took a while for us to get to know each other, but when we did we knew that we had met a like-minded person.

From this discovery we began to search for answers. We talked about the Universe and energy. We discussed positive thinking and the laws of attraction. We thought about coincidences versus verification from the Universe. The question was: What to do with all of this? Where could we go to put these thoughts in motion and where could we see these same thoughts manifest?

We began to read. We began to talk. We began to learn. The result is this blog.

Welcome!