Things happen during the course of our lives to remind us how far we've come and how far we have yet to go. Today I was reminded of both, and I'm giving thanks that I have my Faith and chosen philosophy to help me get through the sometimes painful or hurtful events.

Today was not a big deal as far as "things" go, but  it was something that hadn't happened to me in quite a while. People were blatantly rude at a neighborhood event, and the bottom line is that it hurt my feelings. I responded the way I usually do (getting mad and defensive), and the sad part is that I let the feelings control me and the experience I had at the party. As we were walking home I vented to my husband and my parents about their rudeness, but now that I'm home, I've been able to pull myself together and use some positive thinking to help me see the situation in a different way. The most helpful thought I had was "The way people treat you says more about them than it does about you."  That has been a great comfort to me, because in a situation where I was truly questioning why I wasn't liked, I wasn't feeling good about myself at all. I don't want to let any person (or people in this case) have the power over me to make me feel less worthy than I know I am, especially since I've worked so hard to like who I am! I will take today as a learning experience and be thankful that I realized these are not people I want to surround myself with. I have made that choice, and I'm happy with it.

(This is not to say that when I see the "leader" of this group later on this week I won't mention what happened and how I felt. I'm strong enough to do that now, and for that I am thankful as well).

-- Jenn

Assumptions

At church, we've just finished a series on The Four Agreements. I'm constantly reminding myself of the agreements, "Don't take anything personally," and "Don't make assumptions," because they seem to govern most everything. In particular, both of these came to light recently, and I got to see how these agreements could have changed the outcome of the whole situation. It's rare that we get to observe these sorts of 'laws' proven so clearly! I'll share the event because it's so clear, even though I usually don't share personal things here, because it's so clearly illustrates these principals!

I have a circle of friends who ended up having a falling out. I'm friends with almost all of them still, but we don't get together as a unit anymore, and there are still some hurt feelings years later. We're friends online, and since the virtual world is not at all private, things can be seen by everyone just about, and that's where the trouble started. One my closest friends and I have an inside joke where we'll write a single word to the other when something strikes us as funny, or we're annoyed at family or a friend and can't express it because the other isn't around to call, etc. I wrote that word to my friend where everyone else could see it, and a specific person assumed it was about them, turned the whole thing into a huge deal, and ended up hurting feelings of other people and closing the door on some relationships. Had they not assumed there would have been no way to take it personally, and they could have avoided all the bad feelings and negativity entirely!

Of course like most changes in our path of life, there has been a lot of good that's come of this, but I still find it sad that it was all caused by someone taking something personally based on an assumption. Ironic, yes, but still sad because it all could have been avoided.

Reminders

It's hard to view everything that happens in a positive way, and there are times I have a hard time responding to situations in a way that radiates love. Today was one of those testing moments, and I failed a bit.

There was a situation involving a child who was doing something inappropriate in the water play area of the place we're vacationing, and I was getting frustrated with the other parent because she was too busy on the phone to pay proper attention to her child. I let her son continue what he was doing until it involved my child, and then I had to take action. Unfortunately, I did not react from a place of love at that time but rather from a place of fear that her child was going to hurt mine and frustration because his mother was completely disinterested... until I got involved, however.

I guess my point is that I'm very aware that I didn't react the correct way, and I was reminded why it's important to consider the motivation behind our behaviors and reactions to situation. I was left with a bleak feeling and my stomach in knots after the event dissipated, and it served as concrete evidence as to why I need to take the time to center myself before responding to things that are upsetting.

-- Jenn

Firm Foothold

I met with a huge challenge this week, and I had to do a lot of work to keep my thoughts positive. I found myself getting caught up in the vicimization of what happened, and I had to constantly reframe my thinking. It was hard because finding the positive was very difficult, but here I sit, 3 days later, and I'm okay. This is not to say that I didn't loose myself in sadness a few times, but it felt like I had a firm foothold in it this time rather than feeling like I was getting lost in the abyss. It was almost as if I could be sad but feel safe in the knowledge I was going to be okay in the end.

I am forever thankful that I've found my church and the Science of Mind spiritual path, because without it I fear I would truly be lost.

There is No Limit

Each one of us is an outlet to God and an inlet to God.

Ernest Holmes

Yes, we are. I've changed in thinking so much that now rather than sitting around waiting for 'it' to happen and for 'It' to do 'it' for me and for 'It' to give me what I want, I've come around to understanding that we are all an active part in our circumstance as well as in our results. As a part of God, goodness flows through me and as me, so there is no limit to what I can achieve! This is not to say that we don't have to put forth effort to get the results we want, but it is saying that we are only limited by the limits we put on ourselves.

-- Jenn

Take Care of Yourself and The Rest Will Follow

I concluded that we are just what we think we are to ourselves. If I really believed in anything, the effect would follow whether I was thinking of it or not -- Phineas P. Quimby

I have found this to be very true these past few days. I've been working so hard at things within my family that I've been tired, but I've thought of nothing but good thoughts (as much as I could, anyway). It's made the work that much more pleasant, and I don't get that overwhelmed feeling that I'm so used to! I mentally reminded myself that what I was doing was important, good, and successful, and you can't help but actually feel that after awhile. The rewards follow!

It also helped when I came across some things that were said about me that were hurtful, mean, and wrong. I was hurt, but then I did some inner work and reminded myself that what is said is a reflection of the speaker and not me, and that none of what this person was putting out into the Universe was the Truth about me. It might be their Truth, but it served no purpose in my Truth at all. So, I was able to say a blessing for this misguided soul and move on from the sadness.

It's getting easier to have these positive thoughts automatically, but it still takes a lot of work. I find myself going over past talks from church (Suncoast Center For Spiritual Living), and every message hits a cord one way or another. As they always say, you're going to hear exactly what you're meant to hear every time you listen...

-- Jenn

Release the Rope

Today's talk was regarding forgiveness. I know it's a topic that's discussed ad nauseum sometimes, but I truly feel like it's something that every single person can work on. Who in their life hasn't been hurt by someone or something, and how many of us are still holding on to that hurt?

I heard a great analogy today: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." This is a quote by Buddha, and it gives me a great visual. I think about all the hours I've wasted thinking things over in my life and how much pain there was in those hours. I think about how muck better it would have been to work on letting go and moving forward rather than ruminating over what was so wrong and basically keeping myself standing still.

Reverend Alan discussed how we as vessels sometimes get tied to the "dock" of a situation and can't figure out how to sever the rope holding us here. He reminds us that the dock exists true enough, but the river we're immersed in never stops flowing forward; if we can just let go, we can flow with the river instead of watching the waters wash by us. There's no need to work on "forgiving and forgetting" what happened because you cannot change the past, but we can work on our experiences because of the situation and our responses.

If you think about it, our hurt and anger really do keep us from moving forward. It's true that whatever situation that happened did happen, and our feelings are valid, but so are our reactions to it, our thoughts about it, etc.. By forgiving, we aren't forgetting; we're just allowing ourselves to move beyond the dock. No matter how many miles we travel downstream, the dock will always be there, but we're no longer stuck to it and destined to remain there.

-- Jenn

Truly Letting Go

Letting go has never been easy for me. I'm not sure if it's because I have a fear of failure and by "letting go" I feel as if I've failed, or if it's because I'm afraid of missing something, but it's become clear to me that it is definitely because I'm afraid of something. I am aware that I hold on to things much longer than is healthy, and I'm trying to become better at making a conscious choice to allow things to flow out of my life that no longer benefit me.

With that in mind, I said "good-bye" to a relationship that I've had for about 6 years. It's been a strange and rocky road, and I've lived through more than my share of heartache and hurt feelings. Of course there were good times, amazing discoveries and a lot of laughter, but when I look back over the past few years, there hasn't been much good or happiness. I was sort of letting things be in an effort to let the waters continue to be still, but then something happened to show me that I really needed to let go; I needed to let myself be free of whatever ties where holding me to this relationship.

So I did. And an amazing thing happened that proved I was ready, that I really have learned that it's okay to let go: I found my ability to focus on who loves me and supports me outweighs my focus on those things that upset me or those that dislike me for whatever reason. I was so afraid of being left with what if and why that I didn't want to take that final step and let go! I have finally accepted the fact that I can't fix everyone, I can't mold them into the people I want them to be, and that it's okay to not be there for everyone if they can't return the same emotional support as I give.

It's okay!

-- Jenn

Renewed

It has been a while since I posted here, and with good reason: I finally graduated from my transcription course! I decided to put everything on hold so I could reach my dream, and I did it! It was not without a lot of late nights, tears, and questioning if I was "good enough" to do this, but I managed to turn inward, look at my Faith in the Universe, and I decided that I was definitely worth the struggle!

Talk about putting one's Faith to the test! Not only did I do this all by myself by trusting that I could accomplish what I put my mind to 2 years ago , but I decided that I had waited long enough to reach my goal of being a stay-at-home mom. I did everything that I was "supposed to do" along the way while I waited, and, quite frankly, I was sick of it! I was scared, but my desire to be what/where I wanted to be was stronger than my fear, so I set a date to be done with work and put my notice in before I had even graduated. People were amazed, but I just knew that what I was doing was right. I can't explain it, but my very soul was calm when I thought about my plans. True to form, God stood by me through it all, and I graduated about 1.5 weeks before the date I put on my resignation letter.

Granted I don't have a job or even the prospect of one, but I still feel comforted in my heart. I just know that this was right for me and my family, and I plan to make every moment count!

In Dreams

had the strangest dream last night. I was in the middle of a ransacked area with acidic fluid raining down from bombs. I was able to get to a closet with the kids, and I had a raincoat on. I was hunched over them with the door closed, and I kept trying to keep the collar of the coat up over my neck so that the acid couldn't burn through my skin. The areas it touched were eating away at my flesh, burned horribly, and left just the bare bone exposed. But, I was able to keep them safe.

When I felt that there was enough time to get out of where I was I began to run. I kept thinking, "Where are we going to go? Where would the rest of the survivors go?" I suddenly realized that I would, of course, go to a Church! As I ran I couldn't help but think how strange it was that I would be going to a Church. Stranger still was the realization that, even those people who denounce God and say they don't believe, all seem to end up in a Church when there's a crisis. Be it a horror movie plot, real-life war zones, times when people feel they've lost their way.... All souls seem to end up in some sort of religious setting.

That night I ended up in a black-fenced Church yard with all of the other survivors, and we began planning the rebuilding of our lives. Through it all I kept thinking about the irony of it all. I couldn't get it out of my head, the thought that everyone there was a different religion, all had different beliefs and Truths, yet here we were together. And, we had all come to the same place, a Church, because we knew that we would be safe there...

--- Jenn

Rolling Stone

A lot of things are changing in my life, and with change comes a lot of uncertainty and confusion. I've had quite a few really nice things happen the past 2 weeks or so, and I've also had some not-so-nice things occur. However, I have found that the bad are easier to accept than they used to be. I used to dwell; mull over things in my head until I'd make myself sick. I wonder what I could do to "fix" a problem, what had happened to cause the "bad thing" to happen, what should be done in the future to not let it happen again... But now I don't do that so much. I find it much easier to move forward, and it's a bit scary. I'm so used to the familiar knot in my stomach that I'm nervous when it doesn't follow an adverse event. Sick as that is, it's the truth.

I find that when I'm upset about something I consider three things: 1) Is what happened the Truth of the situation? 2) Did I act in malice? 3) Was it a mistake that I could have prevented in any way? If the answers are "no," then I move on. I can't fix people's perceptions of things, and I can't change something that I did (or did not do) when my intention was nothing but pure. I may give the situation some more thought, but I try very had to not let it become all-consuming. Learning experience, yes. Hurtful reminder, no.

I got a comment from my instructor last night that wounded my psyche a bit. It was a comment that could have ended way before the hurtful statement, but I find 2 good points to this. The first is that I certainly won't make the same mistake again, and I know that it was a stupid mistake, but not one that would have caused anyone harm if it occurred in "the real world." So, I'll take that and roll with it- roll forward that is

New Beginnings

I am part of something so amazing that I can hardly believe it!

When I finally found "my" Church, I was so amazed that there was actually a place where I belonged. It had taken me years (and years) to find such a place, so I became as involved as I could by attending the classes and the services.

Strangely enough there came a time when I started feeling a bit, well, uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. The energy wasn't the same; I felt almost as if I were an impostor or that I just didn't quite fit into the mold. I started missing services here and there, then more and more frequently... I didn't know what was up but something just wasn't right. I began to feel displaced and confused spiritually again, and I continued to hope that something was just around the corner for me.

Wow. Was it ever!!!

I'm now helping to launch an amazing new vision of a spiritual center. I am so excited and so fulfilled that I just know the Universe brought me to the original center to point me in the direction of this new, amazing beginning! The creator, Alan Vukas, is the main reason I fell in love with the Church I used to attend, and now that he's starting his own vision, well, I can't help but be almost beside myself with excitement. And, the fact that he wants my input? WOW!

What We Feel

I have always thought of Tarot Cards and Angel Cards as a way to tap into our intuition. I have never believed that the picture revealed is a given, but rather a symbol of what you yourself know but don't want to face (or don't know to face).

I was talking to someone about this today, and we began talking about the book Running with Scissors. I haven't seen the movie, but I just finished the book, and it really haunted me. Partly because of the kinds of people I work with, and partly because I know that we are all just this side of "crazy" ourselves. I often wonder if being around certain kinds of people cause us to be a certain way, or at the very least cause us to begin taking on or emphasizing certain traits, almost as a means to survival. Adaptation is key in the wild, and seeing as we're only domesticated creatures ourselves it stands to reason that sometimes our characteristics, or rather our energy, is subject to manipulation.

Not A Rock

We all have our faults. Some people have more glaring faults than others it seems, but the fact remains that we all have them, big or small.

I have many, many faults. I overeat, I am jealous, I speak badly of people at times, I have lied... Granted, I have come a long, long way in my journey to overcome these faults, but at times I find myself sitting abreast of them and riding them forward full force before I recognize that I have embodied the very traits I loath in other people.

The one glaring issue I'm having right now is taking other people's circumstances and placing myself into them. In essence I'm judging other people, but in my defense it isn't actually the people I'm judging so much as I'm judging their reality in place of my own. It isn't fair to myself or to these other people, and all I can do is blame it on the fact that I'm so stuck in my own circumstance that I can't fully separate myself.

Does this make me a bad person? I have to ask myself this, because not too long ago I could always give advice that I truly feel was "right" for the issue at hand, and I never once made things about me. However, I find myself getting angry or saddened by other peoples' life experiences, and it isn't fair. When I'm like this, can I be a good resource? Can I really be the person who can offer a strong shoulder and a clear-headed response to questions asked of them? Should I even try?

Work trips always seem to bring out this side of me, partly because I'm so frustrated at my own situation, and also because I am so saddened by my clients current experiences. I look at the surface of people's lives, what they say, what they're doing, and all I can think is "Really? This is what you're doing right now?"

Sigh.

One Choice Away From Changing Your Life

Saturday night I was home alone with the kids. I had worked on cleaning my office out, and I ended up going through my bookcase (which always makes me laugh because it's filled with such a myriad of themes including Science of the Mind, medical transcription, holistic child care, mysteries, psychic and dreams, meditation, Bible study), and I came across my old journals. Usually I don't give them a second thought, or if I do decide to look through one I'll spend a few moments reading passages from my teenage years, but for some reason I paused when I came across one of the books from my twenties and thought about reading it.

This one particular journal I have avoided reading for many years. I actually refer to that time in my life by a name specific to the person who caused me such a great amount of turmoil, and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. However, I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was somewhat bored, and by the time I finished reading I was literally sick to my stomach.

I don't need to go into specifics about what I lived through because I truly believe that they aren't important to discuss in relation to what I've learned. I'm sure that most of my readers can figure out the types of experiences I had because people who have lived through abuse all seem to share a similar blueprint, and I think that's information enough because we've all be exposed to it either through our own experiences or through people close to us.

Anyway, I did a lot of thinking and meditating after reading my journal. I was upset, embarrassed, saddened, and yes, angry. I went through the process of grieving, feeling isolated, and then, suddenly, the next day I began to feel at peace. I began to feel grateful even, because I have no doubt in my mind that the Universe provided this experience for me to live, overcome, and move forward from. I felt a calm in my core that I haven't felt before, and I could almost feel the piece of my heart that had been so bruised by those years become warm again.

Now, I'm not saying that I think the abuse was created by the Universe or God or the Divine Source and that it was the "Plan" for me, but I do think that the adverse situation I found myself in was part of my "blueprint". I can honestly say that before "that time" I was a lost soul; a confused and depressed person who questioned where they were in life, why they were even alive let alone what they were supposed to be doing with their life, and someone who couldn't really sympathize with other people because they were so lost in their own emotion. I was not the sort of person who would have made a difference to anyone.

When I met this person and lived through what I did, I believe it actually may have saved my life. I didn't really feel any self-worth, so living or dying was of no consequence to me. However, when I began living in the cycle of a living hell I realized my survival mode was in full swing, and I wanted to live. I can remember the exact moment when I looked around and realized that the next decision I made would determine if I would live a life of addiction and hate or be strong enough to tip the scale and begin to unravel what I had spent years spinning together.

Well, I think it's obvious which choice I made. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without some backsliding, but since that moment I made the choice to learn, experience, and create the very life we are all capable of living. I've met a lot of resistance, had people shun me for no other reason then their misinformation, and lived through some confusing events in an effort to find my Faith. However, what I've gained has been something that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams! The road I traveled on was not one that I'd like to venture down again, but I would if it was the only one leading to where I am now.

I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other. Who knows? I'm just so glad I'm here!

-- Jenn

Pass it On

It's amazing how refreshed a soul can feel after just 30 minutes of sitting in a room of like-minded people. It happens frequently, but for some reason I'm always surprised when I feel that comfort seeping its way back into my heart.

The interesting thing to me is how easy it is to adapt to what's around. I sometimes wonder if that's a good thing, because I am so susceptible to energy that I tend to take on emotions that aren't really my own. I find that negativity can find me easily (which isn't good, but I'm learning ways to protect myself), but I have also found that I can be lifted up just as easily by just a few moments with people who have a positive core as well.

I wonder if "newly" spiritual people find it as difficult as I do to devote time to what they know is good for them. For example, this weekend I went to a new Church which I have wanted to go to for a while now, but I just haven't had the pull inside me to make it there. I had a good time at the service, even if it was more of a metaphysical than a religious experience, and I left there feeling centered and ready to embrace the day. I know that it takes very little for me to feel comfort and peace in my heart, so why do I let weeks go by before I take a few minutes to nourish my spiritual side? I can pick up my Bible and read a passage, take my Science of the Mind textbook and read a chapter, browse online for uplifting messages, yet I don't. Why? I'm not sure, and I tend to explore this for a bit to see what I can come up with.

I like making people happy. I enjoy being there and offering support and love for the people in my life, and I find that when I spend time exploring the "other" part of me, I have just that much more to give. I've been told that I have amazing energy (a compliment that will never grow old, LOL!), and I would love to think that I can pass that on to others who I meet. So, I wonder if I look at it that way, if I might be able to find the time to spend on my inner self.

-- Jenn

Holiday Happiness

During the past few months I've realized how few friends I really have because I decided to let the word "friend" mean something more to me than in the past. I've also stopped trying to make excuses for people and thus feeling badly that I don't "measure up" to whatever deserved their time and attention because I, obviously, did not. Because of the change in my thinking I have, in essence, freed myself from feeling less-than-worthy and thinking that there was something lacking in me as a person. With this change of thought came a great calm and a fullness in my heart, and an even greater appreciation for the true friends and the family I have. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I can't think of a greater time to have come to this honest and amazing realization than around the holidays!

I suppose this isn't particularly "Science of the Mind" geared, but this has come into fruition due to my continuous 'studying' of spirituality. So, it seemed fitting ;-)

-- Jenn

Day to Myself

I did a lot of spiritual work today. I didn't have the kids with me, so I decided to use my free time for me rather than on the house. I went to the book store and spent 2 hours there, first to wander around the spiritual and religion sections, and then to get a coffee and read Pure Inspiration Magazine.

There was a lot of great information in there, as usual, and quite a few articles hit me right in the heart. It's amazing how much of "me" I can read into articles about other people; it just goes to show that we aren't as separate from each other as we might think we are!

One of my favorite things I read was an article about Dr. Catherine Northrup. I've heard her name a few times, but I never knew she was such an inspiration in the medical field. She is a paramount figure in Womens health, but her message is true about all human kind. She realizes the holistic approach to our health is so important; that our minds are connected to our bodies in ways that people don't think about very often, and that can lead to a lot of illnesses that may be avoided. We all know it's true, because when we feel badly about ourselves or about situations in our lives, we tend to get sicker easier. Her philosopy is very real and very spiritual... Quite an interesting Lady.

There was so much circling my brain when I left the store! I felt completely recharged and refreshed, and I even picked up 2 new books to add to all the others I'm reading ;-)

-- Jenn

I Get It

I was in a dark place for a while, but I managed to face my demons and come out the other side alright. Part was due to positive thinking, but the other part of it was due to actually facing an adverse situation in my life. In this particular situation I was forced to confront it because I had no other alternative, and it ended up working out better than I could have imagined.

I have a horrible habit of running away from what scares me or makes me unhappy rather than facing it head on. I know it's a bad habit because 9 times out of 10 it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and all I ended up accomplishing was wasting hours of my life worrying about something that was out of my control in the first place. I've worked long and hard to try and change my approach to things, and I have to say that it appears to be working. Thank goodness, because I've had a lot of tests against my resolve lately!

I'm not angry any more. I've had this simmering anger toward certain things in my life, and no matter how I tried to change my views or approach the situation in a different way it just didn't matter. I'd be hurt, angry, confused, scared... all those toxic emotions that make us so unhappy in our lives. But, in facing the part of my life that was so depressing to me the past month and then having a wonderful weekend full of family and friends at my childrens' birthday party, it really proved to me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have more control over my life than I had realized (in my mind I had known, but in my heart I guess I didn't because I actually felt it this weekend and finally understood), and I am surrounded by more love than I realized. The other stuff, the bad/hurt feelings, are no longer a consideration for me. I am worth so much more than that, and there is so much that is wonderful around me that I just don't care to waste a moment on the other 'stuff.' If it hurts me or makes me feel bad then I'm done with it. I won't allow the external to control me any more, because I am stronger than that. I am NOT a result, but I AM a cause!!!!!

And so it is.

--Jenn

Remember Me This

I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself, wondering why so many people seem to "have it all", and I remembered a quote from The Science of the Mind textbook that states, "... the answer in NOT that God has responded to some and not to others, but that some have responded to God more than others." (pg. 28)

I take this sentence to heart in a lot of ways. The "poor me" mentality isn't my usual mindset, but I find myself falling into it when I feel cornered or stuck somewhere either mentally or physically. Why is that? Because as a human race we've been conditioned to control our environment rather than to control ourselves. We learn from an early age that our environment is to be manipulated rather than taught how to understand and work with the very things that make us who we are; our mind and soul.

I see this happening more and more. Look at the parents who march themselves into their child's classroom and bully the teachers because their children aren't getting the grades they think they "deserve", or the people who threaten coaches of sports teams because their kids don't get to play all the or the team doesn't win. Notice the people who yell at customer service people because these people are unfortunate enough to be on the front line of what ever news they're delivering, the constant violence in the streets because people want more, etc. More and more people are experiencing depression because of our economy, the sate of the World.... People are lacking the very coping skills we were born with because they don't know any other way to be than to be angry.

I have to remind myself every day, and sometimes every moment!, that I have the ability to make my life what it is. I hold the very power and strength that I ask the Universe to give me right here inside; I just have to remember to use it.