Needing to Hear

Today they spoke about finding your oasis in the desert. It was a wonderful sermon, and it was just what I needed to hear.

I've been feeling a little down the past few days, worrying about finances and other such things, and then on Friday night our air conditioning broke. Living in Florida without a/c is almost unthinkable, and when it happened all I could do was cry because I know that a new a/c unit is thousands of dollars. We don't have hundreds of dollars, let alone thousands! So, this event coupled with some other things that have happened led me to give up. I am usually the one to find positive in everything, to point out what good can come of something, but this was all too much to bear. I even said, "That's it. I don't care anymore. We never get ahead as hard as we try, so I'm over it. I'm done."

I wasn't going to go to Church this afternoon (a sure sign that I needed to go) but my mom comes with me now and I know she needs it. She was diagnosed with breast cancer two months ago (her second time) and I know she finds a lot of peace within the walls of the Church, part of which comes from us going together, so I got myself together to go.

I'm glad I did! The discussion centered around mirages and how they are real concrete things that exist somewhere but appear somewhere else, and how we as humans allow the same occurrence within our own lives to manifest in doubt and fear. For instance; The air conditioner breaking this weekend was true and real enough, but my fear about not having the money to fix it is the mirage; the image of my uncertainty manifesting as disbelief. This disbelieving in God's ability to provide what I need is in itself a mirage! Because of this I know I need to reevaluate myself and my feelings, my inner self and my confidence that I will have the means for the repairs. The other part of this scenario, the means of not getting one's self trapped into following a mirage, is to stop focusing on the horizon. That is, stop looking at the future and the "what ifs" and "if x than y," because that takes the focus off of the now and on the Truth that we know and feel within ourselves.

As I thought more about this, I realized a few interesting things. One is that the temperatures here in Florida are unseasonably low, so we haven't even needed the a/c and won't for a few days. Secondly, by the time we do need it, my overtime should come through and we should be OK. Thirdly, why am I starting to doubt the Universe now? In all the years past we have struggled financially but we have survived. We have had close calls many, many times, and somehow the Universe has provided for us in one way or another. Where some people have a lot of money at their disposal and lack in other areas of their life, we seem to lack in the finance area, yet thrive in all the other major aspects of life. This is what I am thankful for, and I have to remind myself that money really isn't everything, even though it is nice to have.

It's amazing how frustration and fear can manifest itself in so many different ways! I recognize it in myself when I get angry because I know that's how I deal with emotions... What about you? How do you deal with emotions of unrest and unknowing? Is it something you can change? Is it something you want to change, or are you comfortable expressing and feeling things the way you do? How can you go about changing?....

--Jenn