It has been a while since I posted here, and with good reason: I finally graduated from my transcription course! I decided to put everything on hold so I could reach my dream, and I did it! It was not without a lot of late nights, tears, and questioning if I was "good enough" to do this, but I managed to turn inward, look at my Faith in the Universe, and I decided that I was definitely worth the struggle!
Talk about putting one's Faith to the test! Not only did I do this all by myself by trusting that I could accomplish what I put my mind to 2 years ago , but I decided that I had waited long enough to reach my goal of being a stay-at-home mom. I did everything that I was "supposed to do" along the way while I waited, and, quite frankly, I was sick of it! I was scared, but my desire to be what/where I wanted to be was stronger than my fear, so I set a date to be done with work and put my notice in before I had even graduated. People were amazed, but I just knew that what I was doing was right. I can't explain it, but my very soul was calm when I thought about my plans. True to form, God stood by me through it all, and I graduated about 1.5 weeks before the date I put on my resignation letter.
Granted I don't have a job or even the prospect of one, but I still feel comforted in my heart. I just know that this was right for me and my family, and I plan to make every moment count!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
In Dreams
had the strangest dream last night. I was in the middle of a ransacked area with acidic fluid raining down from bombs. I was able to get to a closet with the kids, and I had a raincoat on. I was hunched over them with the door closed, and I kept trying to keep the collar of the coat up over my neck so that the acid couldn't burn through my skin. The areas it touched were eating away at my flesh, burned horribly, and left just the bare bone exposed. But, I was able to keep them safe.
When I felt that there was enough time to get out of where I was I began to run. I kept thinking, "Where are we going to go? Where would the rest of the survivors go?" I suddenly realized that I would, of course, go to a Church! As I ran I couldn't help but think how strange it was that I would be going to a Church. Stranger still was the realization that, even those people who denounce God and say they don't believe, all seem to end up in a Church when there's a crisis. Be it a horror movie plot, real-life war zones, times when people feel they've lost their way.... All souls seem to end up in some sort of religious setting.
That night I ended up in a black-fenced Church yard with all of the other survivors, and we began planning the rebuilding of our lives. Through it all I kept thinking about the irony of it all. I couldn't get it out of my head, the thought that everyone there was a different religion, all had different beliefs and Truths, yet here we were together. And, we had all come to the same place, a Church, because we knew that we would be safe there...
--- Jenn
When I felt that there was enough time to get out of where I was I began to run. I kept thinking, "Where are we going to go? Where would the rest of the survivors go?" I suddenly realized that I would, of course, go to a Church! As I ran I couldn't help but think how strange it was that I would be going to a Church. Stranger still was the realization that, even those people who denounce God and say they don't believe, all seem to end up in a Church when there's a crisis. Be it a horror movie plot, real-life war zones, times when people feel they've lost their way.... All souls seem to end up in some sort of religious setting.
That night I ended up in a black-fenced Church yard with all of the other survivors, and we began planning the rebuilding of our lives. Through it all I kept thinking about the irony of it all. I couldn't get it out of my head, the thought that everyone there was a different religion, all had different beliefs and Truths, yet here we were together. And, we had all come to the same place, a Church, because we knew that we would be safe there...
--- Jenn
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Rolling Stone
A lot of things are changing in my life, and with change comes a lot of uncertainty and confusion. I've had quite a few really nice things happen the past 2 weeks or so, and I've also had some not-so-nice things occur. However, I have found that the bad are easier to accept than they used to be. I used to dwell; mull over things in my head until I'd make myself sick. I wonder what I could do to "fix" a problem, what had happened to cause the "bad thing" to happen, what should be done in the future to not let it happen again... But now I don't do that so much. I find it much easier to move forward, and it's a bit scary. I'm so used to the familiar knot in my stomach that I'm nervous when it doesn't follow an adverse event. Sick as that is, it's the truth.
I find that when I'm upset about something I consider three things: 1) Is what happened the Truth of the situation? 2) Did I act in malice? 3) Was it a mistake that I could have prevented in any way? If the answers are "no," then I move on. I can't fix people's perceptions of things, and I can't change something that I did (or did not do) when my intention was nothing but pure. I may give the situation some more thought, but I try very had to not let it become all-consuming. Learning experience, yes. Hurtful reminder, no.
I got a comment from my instructor last night that wounded my psyche a bit. It was a comment that could have ended way before the hurtful statement, but I find 2 good points to this. The first is that I certainly won't make the same mistake again, and I know that it was a stupid mistake, but not one that would have caused anyone harm if it occurred in "the real world." So, I'll take that and roll with it- roll forward that is
I find that when I'm upset about something I consider three things: 1) Is what happened the Truth of the situation? 2) Did I act in malice? 3) Was it a mistake that I could have prevented in any way? If the answers are "no," then I move on. I can't fix people's perceptions of things, and I can't change something that I did (or did not do) when my intention was nothing but pure. I may give the situation some more thought, but I try very had to not let it become all-consuming. Learning experience, yes. Hurtful reminder, no.
I got a comment from my instructor last night that wounded my psyche a bit. It was a comment that could have ended way before the hurtful statement, but I find 2 good points to this. The first is that I certainly won't make the same mistake again, and I know that it was a stupid mistake, but not one that would have caused anyone harm if it occurred in "the real world." So, I'll take that and roll with it- roll forward that is
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
New Beginnings
I am part of something so amazing that I can hardly believe it!
When I finally found "my" Church, I was so amazed that there was actually a place where I belonged. It had taken me years (and years) to find such a place, so I became as involved as I could by attending the classes and the services.
Strangely enough there came a time when I started feeling a bit, well, uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. The energy wasn't the same; I felt almost as if I were an impostor or that I just didn't quite fit into the mold. I started missing services here and there, then more and more frequently... I didn't know what was up but something just wasn't right. I began to feel displaced and confused spiritually again, and I continued to hope that something was just around the corner for me.
Wow. Was it ever!!!
I'm now helping to launch an amazing new vision of a spiritual center. I am so excited and so fulfilled that I just know the Universe brought me to the original center to point me in the direction of this new, amazing beginning! The creator, Alan Vukas, is the main reason I fell in love with the Church I used to attend, and now that he's starting his own vision, well, I can't help but be almost beside myself with excitement. And, the fact that he wants my input? WOW!
When I finally found "my" Church, I was so amazed that there was actually a place where I belonged. It had taken me years (and years) to find such a place, so I became as involved as I could by attending the classes and the services.
Strangely enough there came a time when I started feeling a bit, well, uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. The energy wasn't the same; I felt almost as if I were an impostor or that I just didn't quite fit into the mold. I started missing services here and there, then more and more frequently... I didn't know what was up but something just wasn't right. I began to feel displaced and confused spiritually again, and I continued to hope that something was just around the corner for me.
Wow. Was it ever!!!
I'm now helping to launch an amazing new vision of a spiritual center. I am so excited and so fulfilled that I just know the Universe brought me to the original center to point me in the direction of this new, amazing beginning! The creator, Alan Vukas, is the main reason I fell in love with the Church I used to attend, and now that he's starting his own vision, well, I can't help but be almost beside myself with excitement. And, the fact that he wants my input? WOW!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
What We Feel
I have always thought of Tarot Cards and Angel Cards as a way to tap into our intuition. I have never believed that the picture revealed is a given, but rather a symbol of what you yourself know but don't want to face (or don't know to face).
I was talking to someone about this today, and we began talking about the book Running with Scissors. I haven't seen the movie, but I just finished the book, and it really haunted me. Partly because of the kinds of people I work with, and partly because I know that we are all just this side of "crazy" ourselves. I often wonder if being around certain kinds of people cause us to be a certain way, or at the very least cause us to begin taking on or emphasizing certain traits, almost as a means to survival. Adaptation is key in the wild, and seeing as we're only domesticated creatures ourselves it stands to reason that sometimes our characteristics, or rather our energy, is subject to manipulation.
I was talking to someone about this today, and we began talking about the book Running with Scissors. I haven't seen the movie, but I just finished the book, and it really haunted me. Partly because of the kinds of people I work with, and partly because I know that we are all just this side of "crazy" ourselves. I often wonder if being around certain kinds of people cause us to be a certain way, or at the very least cause us to begin taking on or emphasizing certain traits, almost as a means to survival. Adaptation is key in the wild, and seeing as we're only domesticated creatures ourselves it stands to reason that sometimes our characteristics, or rather our energy, is subject to manipulation.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Not A Rock
We all have our faults. Some people have more glaring faults than others it seems, but the fact remains that we all have them, big or small.
I have many, many faults. I overeat, I am jealous, I speak badly of people at times, I have lied... Granted, I have come a long, long way in my journey to overcome these faults, but at times I find myself sitting abreast of them and riding them forward full force before I recognize that I have embodied the very traits I loath in other people.
The one glaring issue I'm having right now is taking other people's circumstances and placing myself into them. In essence I'm judging other people, but in my defense it isn't actually the people I'm judging so much as I'm judging their reality in place of my own. It isn't fair to myself or to these other people, and all I can do is blame it on the fact that I'm so stuck in my own circumstance that I can't fully separate myself.
Does this make me a bad person? I have to ask myself this, because not too long ago I could always give advice that I truly feel was "right" for the issue at hand, and I never once made things about me. However, I find myself getting angry or saddened by other peoples' life experiences, and it isn't fair. When I'm like this, can I be a good resource? Can I really be the person who can offer a strong shoulder and a clear-headed response to questions asked of them? Should I even try?
Work trips always seem to bring out this side of me, partly because I'm so frustrated at my own situation, and also because I am so saddened by my clients current experiences. I look at the surface of people's lives, what they say, what they're doing, and all I can think is "Really? This is what you're doing right now?"
Sigh.
I have many, many faults. I overeat, I am jealous, I speak badly of people at times, I have lied... Granted, I have come a long, long way in my journey to overcome these faults, but at times I find myself sitting abreast of them and riding them forward full force before I recognize that I have embodied the very traits I loath in other people.
The one glaring issue I'm having right now is taking other people's circumstances and placing myself into them. In essence I'm judging other people, but in my defense it isn't actually the people I'm judging so much as I'm judging their reality in place of my own. It isn't fair to myself or to these other people, and all I can do is blame it on the fact that I'm so stuck in my own circumstance that I can't fully separate myself.
Does this make me a bad person? I have to ask myself this, because not too long ago I could always give advice that I truly feel was "right" for the issue at hand, and I never once made things about me. However, I find myself getting angry or saddened by other peoples' life experiences, and it isn't fair. When I'm like this, can I be a good resource? Can I really be the person who can offer a strong shoulder and a clear-headed response to questions asked of them? Should I even try?
Work trips always seem to bring out this side of me, partly because I'm so frustrated at my own situation, and also because I am so saddened by my clients current experiences. I look at the surface of people's lives, what they say, what they're doing, and all I can think is "Really? This is what you're doing right now?"
Sigh.
Monday, January 18, 2010
One Choice Away From Changing Your Life
Saturday night I was home alone with the kids. I had worked on cleaning my office out, and I ended up going through my bookcase (which always makes me laugh because it's filled with such a myriad of themes including Science of the Mind, medical transcription, holistic child care, mysteries, psychic and dreams, meditation, Bible study), and I came across my old journals. Usually I don't give them a second thought, or if I do decide to look through one I'll spend a few moments reading passages from my teenage years, but for some reason I paused when I came across one of the books from my twenties and thought about reading it.
This one particular journal I have avoided reading for many years. I actually refer to that time in my life by a name specific to the person who caused me such a great amount of turmoil, and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. However, I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was somewhat bored, and by the time I finished reading I was literally sick to my stomach.
I don't need to go into specifics about what I lived through because I truly believe that they aren't important to discuss in relation to what I've learned. I'm sure that most of my readers can figure out the types of experiences I had because people who have lived through abuse all seem to share a similar blueprint, and I think that's information enough because we've all be exposed to it either through our own experiences or through people close to us.
Anyway, I did a lot of thinking and meditating after reading my journal. I was upset, embarrassed, saddened, and yes, angry. I went through the process of grieving, feeling isolated, and then, suddenly, the next day I began to feel at peace. I began to feel grateful even, because I have no doubt in my mind that the Universe provided this experience for me to live, overcome, and move forward from. I felt a calm in my core that I haven't felt before, and I could almost feel the piece of my heart that had been so bruised by those years become warm again.
Now, I'm not saying that I think the abuse was created by the Universe or God or the Divine Source and that it was the "Plan" for me, but I do think that the adverse situation I found myself in was part of my "blueprint". I can honestly say that before "that time" I was a lost soul; a confused and depressed person who questioned where they were in life, why they were even alive let alone what they were supposed to be doing with their life, and someone who couldn't really sympathize with other people because they were so lost in their own emotion. I was not the sort of person who would have made a difference to anyone.
When I met this person and lived through what I did, I believe it actually may have saved my life. I didn't really feel any self-worth, so living or dying was of no consequence to me. However, when I began living in the cycle of a living hell I realized my survival mode was in full swing, and I wanted to live. I can remember the exact moment when I looked around and realized that the next decision I made would determine if I would live a life of addiction and hate or be strong enough to tip the scale and begin to unravel what I had spent years spinning together.
Well, I think it's obvious which choice I made. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without some backsliding, but since that moment I made the choice to learn, experience, and create the very life we are all capable of living. I've met a lot of resistance, had people shun me for no other reason then their misinformation, and lived through some confusing events in an effort to find my Faith. However, what I've gained has been something that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams! The road I traveled on was not one that I'd like to venture down again, but I would if it was the only one leading to where I am now.
I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other. Who knows? I'm just so glad I'm here!
-- Jenn
This one particular journal I have avoided reading for many years. I actually refer to that time in my life by a name specific to the person who caused me such a great amount of turmoil, and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. However, I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was somewhat bored, and by the time I finished reading I was literally sick to my stomach.
I don't need to go into specifics about what I lived through because I truly believe that they aren't important to discuss in relation to what I've learned. I'm sure that most of my readers can figure out the types of experiences I had because people who have lived through abuse all seem to share a similar blueprint, and I think that's information enough because we've all be exposed to it either through our own experiences or through people close to us.
Anyway, I did a lot of thinking and meditating after reading my journal. I was upset, embarrassed, saddened, and yes, angry. I went through the process of grieving, feeling isolated, and then, suddenly, the next day I began to feel at peace. I began to feel grateful even, because I have no doubt in my mind that the Universe provided this experience for me to live, overcome, and move forward from. I felt a calm in my core that I haven't felt before, and I could almost feel the piece of my heart that had been so bruised by those years become warm again.
Now, I'm not saying that I think the abuse was created by the Universe or God or the Divine Source and that it was the "Plan" for me, but I do think that the adverse situation I found myself in was part of my "blueprint". I can honestly say that before "that time" I was a lost soul; a confused and depressed person who questioned where they were in life, why they were even alive let alone what they were supposed to be doing with their life, and someone who couldn't really sympathize with other people because they were so lost in their own emotion. I was not the sort of person who would have made a difference to anyone.
When I met this person and lived through what I did, I believe it actually may have saved my life. I didn't really feel any self-worth, so living or dying was of no consequence to me. However, when I began living in the cycle of a living hell I realized my survival mode was in full swing, and I wanted to live. I can remember the exact moment when I looked around and realized that the next decision I made would determine if I would live a life of addiction and hate or be strong enough to tip the scale and begin to unravel what I had spent years spinning together.
Well, I think it's obvious which choice I made. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without some backsliding, but since that moment I made the choice to learn, experience, and create the very life we are all capable of living. I've met a lot of resistance, had people shun me for no other reason then their misinformation, and lived through some confusing events in an effort to find my Faith. However, what I've gained has been something that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams! The road I traveled on was not one that I'd like to venture down again, but I would if it was the only one leading to where I am now.
I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other. Who knows? I'm just so glad I'm here!
-- Jenn
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Pass it On
It's amazing how refreshed a soul can feel after just 30 minutes of sitting in a room of like-minded people. It happens frequently, but for some reason I'm always surprised when I feel that comfort seeping its way back into my heart.
The interesting thing to me is how easy it is to adapt to what's around. I sometimes wonder if that's a good thing, because I am so susceptible to energy that I tend to take on emotions that aren't really my own. I find that negativity can find me easily (which isn't good, but I'm learning ways to protect myself), but I have also found that I can be lifted up just as easily by just a few moments with people who have a positive core as well.
I wonder if "newly" spiritual people find it as difficult as I do to devote time to what they know is good for them. For example, this weekend I went to a new Church which I have wanted to go to for a while now, but I just haven't had the pull inside me to make it there. I had a good time at the service, even if it was more of a metaphysical than a religious experience, and I left there feeling centered and ready to embrace the day. I know that it takes very little for me to feel comfort and peace in my heart, so why do I let weeks go by before I take a few minutes to nourish my spiritual side? I can pick up my Bible and read a passage, take my Science of the Mind textbook and read a chapter, browse online for uplifting messages, yet I don't. Why? I'm not sure, and I tend to explore this for a bit to see what I can come up with.
I like making people happy. I enjoy being there and offering support and love for the people in my life, and I find that when I spend time exploring the "other" part of me, I have just that much more to give. I've been told that I have amazing energy (a compliment that will never grow old, LOL!), and I would love to think that I can pass that on to others who I meet. So, I wonder if I look at it that way, if I might be able to find the time to spend on my inner self.
-- Jenn
The interesting thing to me is how easy it is to adapt to what's around. I sometimes wonder if that's a good thing, because I am so susceptible to energy that I tend to take on emotions that aren't really my own. I find that negativity can find me easily (which isn't good, but I'm learning ways to protect myself), but I have also found that I can be lifted up just as easily by just a few moments with people who have a positive core as well.
I wonder if "newly" spiritual people find it as difficult as I do to devote time to what they know is good for them. For example, this weekend I went to a new Church which I have wanted to go to for a while now, but I just haven't had the pull inside me to make it there. I had a good time at the service, even if it was more of a metaphysical than a religious experience, and I left there feeling centered and ready to embrace the day. I know that it takes very little for me to feel comfort and peace in my heart, so why do I let weeks go by before I take a few minutes to nourish my spiritual side? I can pick up my Bible and read a passage, take my Science of the Mind textbook and read a chapter, browse online for uplifting messages, yet I don't. Why? I'm not sure, and I tend to explore this for a bit to see what I can come up with.
I like making people happy. I enjoy being there and offering support and love for the people in my life, and I find that when I spend time exploring the "other" part of me, I have just that much more to give. I've been told that I have amazing energy (a compliment that will never grow old, LOL!), and I would love to think that I can pass that on to others who I meet. So, I wonder if I look at it that way, if I might be able to find the time to spend on my inner self.
-- Jenn
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