One Choice Away From Changing Your Life

Saturday night I was home alone with the kids. I had worked on cleaning my office out, and I ended up going through my bookcase (which always makes me laugh because it's filled with such a myriad of themes including Science of the Mind, medical transcription, holistic child care, mysteries, psychic and dreams, meditation, Bible study), and I came across my old journals. Usually I don't give them a second thought, or if I do decide to look through one I'll spend a few moments reading passages from my teenage years, but for some reason I paused when I came across one of the books from my twenties and thought about reading it.

This one particular journal I have avoided reading for many years. I actually refer to that time in my life by a name specific to the person who caused me such a great amount of turmoil, and I don't like revisiting those years because there is so much pain and terror written between the lines of that journal. However, I decided to read through the book for no reason other than I was somewhat bored, and by the time I finished reading I was literally sick to my stomach.

I don't need to go into specifics about what I lived through because I truly believe that they aren't important to discuss in relation to what I've learned. I'm sure that most of my readers can figure out the types of experiences I had because people who have lived through abuse all seem to share a similar blueprint, and I think that's information enough because we've all be exposed to it either through our own experiences or through people close to us.

Anyway, I did a lot of thinking and meditating after reading my journal. I was upset, embarrassed, saddened, and yes, angry. I went through the process of grieving, feeling isolated, and then, suddenly, the next day I began to feel at peace. I began to feel grateful even, because I have no doubt in my mind that the Universe provided this experience for me to live, overcome, and move forward from. I felt a calm in my core that I haven't felt before, and I could almost feel the piece of my heart that had been so bruised by those years become warm again.

Now, I'm not saying that I think the abuse was created by the Universe or God or the Divine Source and that it was the "Plan" for me, but I do think that the adverse situation I found myself in was part of my "blueprint". I can honestly say that before "that time" I was a lost soul; a confused and depressed person who questioned where they were in life, why they were even alive let alone what they were supposed to be doing with their life, and someone who couldn't really sympathize with other people because they were so lost in their own emotion. I was not the sort of person who would have made a difference to anyone.

When I met this person and lived through what I did, I believe it actually may have saved my life. I didn't really feel any self-worth, so living or dying was of no consequence to me. However, when I began living in the cycle of a living hell I realized my survival mode was in full swing, and I wanted to live. I can remember the exact moment when I looked around and realized that the next decision I made would determine if I would live a life of addiction and hate or be strong enough to tip the scale and begin to unravel what I had spent years spinning together.

Well, I think it's obvious which choice I made. It wasn't easy and it wasn't without some backsliding, but since that moment I made the choice to learn, experience, and create the very life we are all capable of living. I've met a lot of resistance, had people shun me for no other reason then their misinformation, and lived through some confusing events in an effort to find my Faith. However, what I've gained has been something that I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams! The road I traveled on was not one that I'd like to venture down again, but I would if it was the only one leading to where I am now.

I often wonder if roads like the one I traveled are the norm for people who find religion/spirituality later in life. It seems like each and every person I meet within my spiritual world has a story similar to mine, and I am beginning to think that the New Age Revolution is in response to people who were so lost and hurt that their hearts and spirits reached out and found each other. Who knows? I'm just so glad I'm here!

-- Jenn