I was in a dark place for a while, but I managed to face my demons and come out the other side alright. Part was due to positive thinking, but the other part of it was due to actually facing an adverse situation in my life. In this particular situation I was forced to confront it because I had no other alternative, and it ended up working out better than I could have imagined.
I have a horrible habit of running away from what scares me or makes me unhappy rather than facing it head on. I know it's a bad habit because 9 times out of 10 it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and all I ended up accomplishing was wasting hours of my life worrying about something that was out of my control in the first place. I've worked long and hard to try and change my approach to things, and I have to say that it appears to be working. Thank goodness, because I've had a lot of tests against my resolve lately!
I'm not angry any more. I've had this simmering anger toward certain things in my life, and no matter how I tried to change my views or approach the situation in a different way it just didn't matter. I'd be hurt, angry, confused, scared... all those toxic emotions that make us so unhappy in our lives. But, in facing the part of my life that was so depressing to me the past month and then having a wonderful weekend full of family and friends at my childrens' birthday party, it really proved to me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I have more control over my life than I had realized (in my mind I had known, but in my heart I guess I didn't because I actually felt it this weekend and finally understood), and I am surrounded by more love than I realized. The other stuff, the bad/hurt feelings, are no longer a consideration for me. I am worth so much more than that, and there is so much that is wonderful around me that I just don't care to waste a moment on the other 'stuff.' If it hurts me or makes me feel bad then I'm done with it. I won't allow the external to control me any more, because I am stronger than that. I am NOT a result, but I AM a cause!!!!!
And so it is.
--Jenn
Showing posts with label awakening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awakening. Show all posts
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sometimes a Duck
Kim and I went away, just the two of us, this past weekend. It was a chance to renew and refresh, and I wasn't disappointed. I got to do a lot of spiritual reading, a lot of thinking and, best of all, a lot of laughing.
It rained most of the weekend which was fine by us, but on Sunday morning it started to clear up. I got a cup of coffee in the morning and took a walk by the lake to watch the sun come up and to do some meditation. I felt centered pretty quickly, so I decided to walk on the pier and just look at what nature had to say. What follows is what I wrote when I got back to the room:
"I went down to the lake this morning because the sun decided to make an appearance. I was just standing there, looking at the reeds and lily pads, when noticed a duck on the dock. She was your typical Mallard, but what struck me was where she was; right next to one of the Swan Boats.
I watched her preen herself, this plain brown duck, and began wondering if she felt at all shadowed by the impressive Swan behind her. I wondered if she were trying to pretty herself up so she may resemble the Swan, if she was comforted by just being in the presence of the Swan even though she was just an average duck, or if she was jealous of the swan...
Suddenly she spread her wings and flew off over the lake, a perfect image of grace and beauty. In that moment I realized how foolish my thinking had been, both in regards to the duck and to my own situation in life.
The Swan Boat was beautiful, no question. It was clean, majestic, and obviously well cared for. This pretty-to-look-at boat was created with the idea of completing one goal: to provide safe travels around the lake for guests while making a profit for the resort. It manages to do the job daily, and does it repeatedly in order to maximize the return for the resort, all while remaining beautiful.
So, when does the Swan get to spread it's wings? Well, obviously it can't. Here we have a boat made to look like a gorgeous bird, yet it can't do the one thing that makes birds unique. It's stuck making a profit while at the will of someone other than itself- a slave to someone else's vision of perfection.
But, what about the duck? Ordinary as she appeared, she ended up being extraordinary. She is the one who is happy... and free."
It rained most of the weekend which was fine by us, but on Sunday morning it started to clear up. I got a cup of coffee in the morning and took a walk by the lake to watch the sun come up and to do some meditation. I felt centered pretty quickly, so I decided to walk on the pier and just look at what nature had to say. What follows is what I wrote when I got back to the room:
"I went down to the lake this morning because the sun decided to make an appearance. I was just standing there, looking at the reeds and lily pads, when noticed a duck on the dock. She was your typical Mallard, but what struck me was where she was; right next to one of the Swan Boats.
I watched her preen herself, this plain brown duck, and began wondering if she felt at all shadowed by the impressive Swan behind her. I wondered if she were trying to pretty herself up so she may resemble the Swan, if she was comforted by just being in the presence of the Swan even though she was just an average duck, or if she was jealous of the swan...
Suddenly she spread her wings and flew off over the lake, a perfect image of grace and beauty. In that moment I realized how foolish my thinking had been, both in regards to the duck and to my own situation in life.
The Swan Boat was beautiful, no question. It was clean, majestic, and obviously well cared for. This pretty-to-look-at boat was created with the idea of completing one goal: to provide safe travels around the lake for guests while making a profit for the resort. It manages to do the job daily, and does it repeatedly in order to maximize the return for the resort, all while remaining beautiful.
So, when does the Swan get to spread it's wings? Well, obviously it can't. Here we have a boat made to look like a gorgeous bird, yet it can't do the one thing that makes birds unique. It's stuck making a profit while at the will of someone other than itself- a slave to someone else's vision of perfection.
But, what about the duck? Ordinary as she appeared, she ended up being extraordinary. She is the one who is happy... and free."
Sunday, August 3, 2008
An epiphany?
Before I started to write this post I looked up the word epiphany just to make sure I was using it correctly and came up with this:
e·piph·a·ny
[i-pif-uh-nee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -nies.
And yes, after reading the definition I figured I'm using it correctly.
For a while now I've felt that I needed to go back and read the very 1st book that got me started in this new "awakening" or "becoming conscious": Ishmael. But I've been hesitant in starting it again for a few reasons; one being I have a list of other books I haven't read yet that I really want to get started on. Another reason being in the back of my mind I kept saying "I really don't need to read it again" but I wasn't sure why. Now I know why.
After reading the book Ishmael I had so many questions. The biggest one being of course "Now what? How do I help save the world?" I got my answer to this question a few minutes ago when I was online looking for an Ishmael "study" group. I came upon a question and answer page at the Ishmael website that made me smile. Daniel Quinn (the author of Ishmael) answered the question of how, which is what most people ask after reading his book.
His answer was this:
"By far the most frequently asked question I receive is some form of "Yes, but . . . what exactly am I supposed to DO?" There is no single recipe for saving the world (anymore than there is a single recipe for making a cake or building an aircraft). Rather there are six billion recipes, one for each of us, since each of us is uniquely placed in the world, with unique talents, opportunities, and circles of influence.
I now don't feel as if I HAVE to read Ishmael again. At least, not right now.
-Kim
e·piph·a·ny
[i-pif-uh-nee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -nies. | 1. | (initial capital letter) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day. |
| 2. | an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity. |
| 3. | a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. |
| 4. | a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight. |
For a while now I've felt that I needed to go back and read the very 1st book that got me started in this new "awakening" or "becoming conscious": Ishmael. But I've been hesitant in starting it again for a few reasons; one being I have a list of other books I haven't read yet that I really want to get started on. Another reason being in the back of my mind I kept saying "I really don't need to read it again" but I wasn't sure why. Now I know why.
After reading the book Ishmael I had so many questions. The biggest one being of course "Now what? How do I help save the world?" I got my answer to this question a few minutes ago when I was online looking for an Ishmael "study" group. I came upon a question and answer page at the Ishmael website that made me smile. Daniel Quinn (the author of Ishmael) answered the question of how, which is what most people ask after reading his book.
His answer was this:
"By far the most frequently asked question I receive is some form of "Yes, but . . . what exactly am I supposed to DO?" There is no single recipe for saving the world (anymore than there is a single recipe for making a cake or building an aircraft). Rather there are six billion recipes, one for each of us, since each of us is uniquely placed in the world, with unique talents, opportunities, and circles of influence.
Humanity is teetering on the edge of extinction, and its future will be decided in the next half century. What is one to do about this? Albert Einstein said, "The world we have created is a product of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking."
I've often likened our situation to the beginning of the Renaissance. People weren't running around asking themselves, "How do we make this thing work?" The Renaissance didn't come about because people began to do new things; rather, new things began to be done because people were thinking in a new way. A new synergy developed that transformed European society. This is what must happen again, now, and this is something we can all collaborate on (and must collaborate on).
You ask what the narrator "would have done" following his encounter with Ishmael. That should be obvious. Ishmael told him to "teach a hundred what I've taught you and encourage them to teach a hundred." He did even better than that. He wrote a narrative of his encounter with Ishmael, thus sharing it with hundreds of thousands of readers around the world. That's not something "everyone" can do, of course. It was just what he could do, which is what everyone must discover for himself or herself (which was true for me as well).
After reading his answer was when the epiphany happened. I didn't realize it, but all of this time I have been answering my own question of how by trying to become a better person and reading all of the books that I have and doing my own research and trying to find my place in this world. The past year I have changed my way of thinking. I haven't been sweating the small stuff as much and have been working on being happy. And when this realization hit me a feeling welled up inside of me: one of completeness and love. And it feels awesome. I knew I was on my way but to actually "see it" is huge and one of the best feelings in the world.I now don't feel as if I HAVE to read Ishmael again. At least, not right now.
-Kim
Saturday, March 22, 2008
My first meditation
Warning - this post could be long since it's been a while for me when it comes to posting on this blog so just bear with me. :)
I hadn't been to church before last night in a really long time. Between soccer and other commitments and then Sean being gone for work, I just haven't been able to get there. And I have felt that feeling of peace slowly slipping away over time. I know I've stated before, whether it was on here or one of my other blogs that since last summer, I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness in my heart and in my gut that it felt awesome. I don't know how else to describe it. I know it was a bunch of things happening at once that made me feel that way: finally finding a place to go (a church) where I felt at home at and not like an outsider; forming an awesome friendship with someone whom I believe we were meant to form that friendship at that time; reading book after book and learning that I've already been on my way to enlightenment or awakening or consciousness and I didn't even know it; or just sharing stories with my new found friend of our pasts and our presents and even our futures. But something happened, as again I've said before, around the holidays in December where I felt that feeling slipping away. It could be because of a number of things: my parents health, the stress of the holidays, too much going on. Whatever it was, since then that feeling in my gut and in my heart hasn't been felt.
Until last night. Our church had a meditation and prayer service since it was Good Friday and I am so happy I went. I NEEDED last night more then I originally thought. Before getting there Jenn called me to let me know there were only 3 cars in the parking lot and 1 was hers. In any other situation, I'm horrible in small numbers, especially when it comes to people I don't really know. And as she's telling me this I waited for that nervous feeling in my gut to start and to tell me to flee; to say to her "OK, let's skip this and just go right to dinner". But that feeling didn't come. Maybe it was because I knew I needed to be there and I know how at peace I have felt in the past just from being there. I got there and there were only 6 of us. I sat down in my chair and started talking to Jenn and slowly felt my shoulders relaxing.
As Rev. Nikki started talking, I felt once more at home. Her voice is so soothing and the music that was playing was so relaxing, it just kind of all came together for me. She told the story of what Good Friday meant and then we all entered into a prayer and meditation where instead of talking about the 7 crosses that Jesus had to "wear" she talked about 8 comments or suggestions while we prayed and meditated. What is surprising to me is that for that meditation I was able to close my eyes and not worry there there were only 4 other people in the room that I didn't know - something that a year or so ago I would have been mortified with and the thought of closing my eyes would have scared me. I didn't give it a second thought.
As we meditated and I had my eyes closed and I listened to Rev. Nikki talk a feeling I've never experienced before came over me: first it was like my whole body was kind of gelling together if that makes sense; like my two hands (which were touching each other) had become one. And then it was like I couldn't even feel my body at all. It was beautiful and awesome and I felt whole and at peace with myself and the world.
What Rev. Nikki would do with those 8 suggestions was to say it and then be still so that we could all pray about it and meditate over it and know that it is or it can be. One of the 8 suggestions she said was (and this isn't word for word since I can't remember it) to love everyone and to not hate. And as she stopped talking to let us ponder it, I thought about that. I definitely don't love everyone - right now. But there is no one that I hate. I may not understand people and their actions, nor will ever be compatible with some, but I can honestly say I do not hate. I may get pissed off at people at times, (like I was at the guy honking at me last night on my way to church) but I let myself feel that feeling (which is the ego talking) and then let it go. I truly don't believe that we, as human beings, can allow hatred to enter our lives if we want to be happy.
We were there for a little over an hour and I walked out of there feeling that peace in my gut and my heart that had been gone since the holidays. I felt in control again. I came home and instead of going right to sleep, I read the book I've been reading called A New Earth and learned about the "pain body" and it just all clicked - my "pain body", which had been dormant since last summer, had returned for whatever reason over the holidays and it was what was making me miserable. (I'll get into the "pain body" in another post but not today.) But after last night at church and now knowing what the "pain body" is and how to control it, I'm hoping to not only keep this feeling of peace that I have but to help it grow within myself and my family and friends.
(Edited to add an hour after writing this):
The Daily Motivation for today was so fitting for me that I cried when I read it (happy tears).
Daily Motivator
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Your moment to fulfill
This day is too valuable to waste. The people in your life are too beautiful to ignore.
Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be you. Take a look around, with your eyes lovingly and enthusiastically open to the possibilities.
Most of what you fear does not even exist. Much of what you love is closer than you realize.
You are just one small step away from being on the path toward your most treasured dream. You are just one brief thought away from understanding the richness that is your life.
You have traveled a long way to be where you are. With every step you have gained something of real and lasting value.
Now is a day to move forward with more experience, knowledge and wisdom than ever before. Now is your moment to realize and fulfill the miracle that is your life.
-- Ralph Marston
And so it is....
-Kim
I hadn't been to church before last night in a really long time. Between soccer and other commitments and then Sean being gone for work, I just haven't been able to get there. And I have felt that feeling of peace slowly slipping away over time. I know I've stated before, whether it was on here or one of my other blogs that since last summer, I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness in my heart and in my gut that it felt awesome. I don't know how else to describe it. I know it was a bunch of things happening at once that made me feel that way: finally finding a place to go (a church) where I felt at home at and not like an outsider; forming an awesome friendship with someone whom I believe we were meant to form that friendship at that time; reading book after book and learning that I've already been on my way to enlightenment or awakening or consciousness and I didn't even know it; or just sharing stories with my new found friend of our pasts and our presents and even our futures. But something happened, as again I've said before, around the holidays in December where I felt that feeling slipping away. It could be because of a number of things: my parents health, the stress of the holidays, too much going on. Whatever it was, since then that feeling in my gut and in my heart hasn't been felt.
Until last night. Our church had a meditation and prayer service since it was Good Friday and I am so happy I went. I NEEDED last night more then I originally thought. Before getting there Jenn called me to let me know there were only 3 cars in the parking lot and 1 was hers. In any other situation, I'm horrible in small numbers, especially when it comes to people I don't really know. And as she's telling me this I waited for that nervous feeling in my gut to start and to tell me to flee; to say to her "OK, let's skip this and just go right to dinner". But that feeling didn't come. Maybe it was because I knew I needed to be there and I know how at peace I have felt in the past just from being there. I got there and there were only 6 of us. I sat down in my chair and started talking to Jenn and slowly felt my shoulders relaxing.
As Rev. Nikki started talking, I felt once more at home. Her voice is so soothing and the music that was playing was so relaxing, it just kind of all came together for me. She told the story of what Good Friday meant and then we all entered into a prayer and meditation where instead of talking about the 7 crosses that Jesus had to "wear" she talked about 8 comments or suggestions while we prayed and meditated. What is surprising to me is that for that meditation I was able to close my eyes and not worry there there were only 4 other people in the room that I didn't know - something that a year or so ago I would have been mortified with and the thought of closing my eyes would have scared me. I didn't give it a second thought.
As we meditated and I had my eyes closed and I listened to Rev. Nikki talk a feeling I've never experienced before came over me: first it was like my whole body was kind of gelling together if that makes sense; like my two hands (which were touching each other) had become one. And then it was like I couldn't even feel my body at all. It was beautiful and awesome and I felt whole and at peace with myself and the world.
What Rev. Nikki would do with those 8 suggestions was to say it and then be still so that we could all pray about it and meditate over it and know that it is or it can be. One of the 8 suggestions she said was (and this isn't word for word since I can't remember it) to love everyone and to not hate. And as she stopped talking to let us ponder it, I thought about that. I definitely don't love everyone - right now. But there is no one that I hate. I may not understand people and their actions, nor will ever be compatible with some, but I can honestly say I do not hate. I may get pissed off at people at times, (like I was at the guy honking at me last night on my way to church) but I let myself feel that feeling (which is the ego talking) and then let it go. I truly don't believe that we, as human beings, can allow hatred to enter our lives if we want to be happy.
We were there for a little over an hour and I walked out of there feeling that peace in my gut and my heart that had been gone since the holidays. I felt in control again. I came home and instead of going right to sleep, I read the book I've been reading called A New Earth and learned about the "pain body" and it just all clicked - my "pain body", which had been dormant since last summer, had returned for whatever reason over the holidays and it was what was making me miserable. (I'll get into the "pain body" in another post but not today.) But after last night at church and now knowing what the "pain body" is and how to control it, I'm hoping to not only keep this feeling of peace that I have but to help it grow within myself and my family and friends.
(Edited to add an hour after writing this):
The Daily Motivation for today was so fitting for me that I cried when I read it (happy tears).
Daily Motivator
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Your moment to fulfill
This day is too valuable to waste. The people in your life are too beautiful to ignore.
Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be you. Take a look around, with your eyes lovingly and enthusiastically open to the possibilities.
Most of what you fear does not even exist. Much of what you love is closer than you realize.
You are just one small step away from being on the path toward your most treasured dream. You are just one brief thought away from understanding the richness that is your life.
You have traveled a long way to be where you are. With every step you have gained something of real and lasting value.
Now is a day to move forward with more experience, knowledge and wisdom than ever before. Now is your moment to realize and fulfill the miracle that is your life.
-- Ralph Marston
And so it is....
-Kim
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