Intuition...

and that feeling that something isn't right.

In my 36 years of life I have to admit I've been very lucky when it comes to my health. I've had a few surgeries, a few bumps in the road but nothing major.

When I was just 11 years old I started with bad pains in my right side. I couldn't sit, couldn't stand - it was horrible. We went to countless different doctors - gynecologists, urologists, psychologists, etc. They did xrays, IV Pilograms, ultrasounds, countless kidney scans and cat scans and couldn't find a thing. At one point I ended up in the hospital for over 3 weeks for a severe kidney infection. But after I came home I still had bad pain and the doctors sent me to a psychologist saying it was only in my head. Only I knew it wasn't. I knew my body, even at that young age and I knew something wasn't right. So, luckily my parents believed me and we took those same xrays and cat scans up to New York University and within 15 minutes we knew what was causing my pain - kidney stones! I had 7 in my right and I think 5 or 6 in my left! I followed my intuition (along with my parents help) and found out I was right!

Through the years since then I've been healthy. I've had Bunion Surgery (on both feet) and on one foot twice, a laporoscopy and a C-section and that's about it.

For the past 2-3 years I've had this numbing sensation in the back of my left shoulder which spread to about a 2-3 inch radius. I'd tell the doctor when I was there for checkups and he'd have me push and pull with my hands and my arms; checking for any weakness in that arm and would find nothing. But in the back of my head I kept thinking to myself that something wasn't right.

Which brings me to today. This past week I found out I have a severe herniated disc in my neck which is causing pain and numbness in my left arm and pain in the back of my neck/shoulder. No, it's not life threatening and yes, I know it's just another "bump" in the road but I'm kind of mad at myself for not listening to my instinct and not pushing the issue like I did when I was younger. And I could bring up all the lame excuses like: "I've got 3 kids, they come first". Or "there's so much going on all the time I don't have time to take care of me". And I'm sure there are a bunch of others I could think of if you gave me time to come up with them.

The fact is I ignored my intuition - something I usually never do. And I'm mad at myself for it. Had I pushed the issue, I might not be here, stuck on my couch like I have been for weeks now. And I'm now left feeling guilty as hell because my poor husband is starting to get frazzled and run around like a chicken with his head cut off.

I've been beating myself up lately for this and am only making myself feel worse. It is what it is - just another bump in the road and it soon will pass!!!! (I just need to keep reminding myself that! And hoping it's sooner rather then later that it passes) ;)

This is a lesson well learned for me: don't forget to listen to that inner voice you have! It may be more in tune then you really think! Which brings me to the nagging feeling I have after seeing the orthopedic surgeon this morning: that what they told me just isn't good enough. I don't know if it's because they can't help get rid of this pain right now; or because I heard some negative things about the office before going; or if I really should just go and get a 2nd opinion.

I think tomorrow morning I'm going to call a neurosurgeon who comes highly recommended and make that appointment for a 2nd opinion. I need to follow my intuition and this nagging feeling I have!

I can't help but think of a quote that Jenn has on one of her blogs that says:
"When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time." – St. Francis De Sales
I can sit here and choose to bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself and fight the fact that I need to rest to get better or I can just go with the flow, feel that my body just needs to rest to get better and let it happen.

-Kim