Timing

I had a great disappointment yesterday and I found myself turning to my Spirituality. That was a fantastic moment because it was a completely unconscious mindset, which proves to me that I'm making progress in my journey!

My parents extended a fantastic offer to my husband and I last week that involved helping us to finance a house in their neighborhood. We saw the house, fell in love, and then my world fell in around us on Wednesday night when my husband said the horrible words, "It's just too much for us."

I cried, I blamed, I got angry. I became a monster inside and spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the center of my anger. Yes, I loved the house, loved the possibility of getting out of this slowly decaying neighborhood I'm in, adored the thought of living within walking distance of my parents... But there was more.

My husband worked the whole day pushing and pulling numbers. He talked to everyone he knew to talk to. He called banks, came up with plans, did some yelling, all while I sat here numb. I did some math of my own, but didn't come up with much (being dyslexic in these situations causes me more grief than results), but I did begin to feel better about it all at around noon on Thursday. I was a bit surprised, but I'm a "hard and fast" griever so I went with it.

We had a contract written up that night and, when ready to send it, got the word that a previous contract had just been received. Ours wasn't needed.

Now, I was expecting complete emotional destruction on my part. I couldn't believe that after all of that work, heartache, fighting, and detestation, that the Universe would just take what I wanted from my grasp!.... But, nothing happened. I was disappointed, but that's all: Disappointed.

I did some treatment work about the situation and then thought a lot about it all last night and this morning. It is so unlike me to look into defeat and just shrug my shoulders, but I have. I am still half waiting for a breakdown, but I just don't feel it, which makes me think that I'm beginning to get some control over my life.

That's what it boils down to, right? I think I freaked out in the beginning because I felt like I had no control over our situation; that we were stuck where we are. Then, when I saw there was a chance to change our position, I was able to calm down and relax. As for the disappointment in losing the house? I can only explain that by control as well. I did treatment work (control because I have Faith in the results) and, because I can accept that all of this fell apart for a reason, I experienced another aspect of control.

I truly believe the Universe did what it needed to do to keep me and my family safe, and who am I to argue that?

--- Jenn

The Power of Now!

Last week while waiting for Sean to get out of surgery I finished up the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and it was perfect timing. It made me feel so relaxed and has given me new ways to deal with life, people and situations in general. I felt rejuvenated after reading that and like a new person with a new outlook on life. I felt like I found another part of "home" just like I did when I went to my church for the first time last year and just like I did after reading my other favorite book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn or also like I did after watching The Secret.

I eventually am going to reread this book and will go over it chapter by chapter right here on this blog. But that will have to wait because while reading A New Earth, it kept referencing another book he'd written before this one called The Power of Now. I just got this one in the mail today and I am so excited to get started reading it.

I recommend any of these books to everyone! But, you have to be in a certain place in your life; you have to be ready for them. If, while starting to read any of them you can't get into the
book(s) or think "this is all fluff and stuff" or anything along those lines, you're not ready. It doesn't mean you never will be, just that you're not at the place you need to be at this time of your life to begin this new "state of consciousness" where we leave our egos behind.

-Kim

Spiritual Reading

I'm reading a great magazine right now called "Light of Consciousness". I really enjoy it because it isn't based off of one religion but rather incorporates all sorts of religious thoughts and writings.

I came across a very interesting article called "Awakening to Our Own Light" by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee. To quote:

"Our Higher Self carries a light that belongs to God. When we are born, we carry a spark of this light into our human incarnation; it illuminates the experiences of our early childhood, showing us a world that is fully alive, full of magic and wonder. But slowly, as the adult world closes around us, the spark of our Higher Self gets covered over by the dust and debris of the world, of our conditioning, our desires, our concern with success and failure, our need to compete; it "fades into the common light of day." It might reappear briefly, as the light of conscience that tries to point us in the right direction or the spark of intuition that comes unbidden into our consciousness. But mostly it is hidden, forgotten like the wonder of the world we saw as children. We no longer see the world by the bright light of what is real; we see "through a glass darkly," through the shadowy, distorting light of the ego."

It goes on to discuss the rekindling of that spark, our reawakening, the journey we may take. It also the awareness of divine Oneness (being one with the Universe is my take on that), and responsibility global consciousness requires.

It's a great article. In fact, the whole magazine is fantastic! It's not all parallel to my line of thinking, but I like learning about other peoples' views so it's given me a lot to mull over. I've been reading is as part of my "Challege" this week from the Church and I'm glad I picked it up.

--Jenn

Challenged!

Alan spoke today, "What Type of Witness Are You?". I love listening to him because he's so dynamic!

He led with the idea that people with big minds talk about concepts, people with average minds talk about events, and people with small minds talk about other people. I almost laughed out loud when he said that because, in thinking back over the last few years, he couldn't be more right when it comes to the company I had been keeping! I was brought back to a few specific instances when I was surround by people who couldn't help but spend the majority of their time talking about other people and, as I continued to stand by them, I got a first-row look into their small-mindedness. From what I've learned, such verbal behavior is usually an indication of the way such people conduct their whole lives, and sadly it seems to be a behavior pattern that doesn't change often.

Another interesting thought brought up was that Spirit will reveal the Truth about us and others if we stop judging appearances. That keeps running through my mind because it's so amazingly simple in theory, but so hard to keep in one's head. In today's society we are bombarded with news stories, images in the media, fast technology where we get receive information from family and friends with lightning speed, not to mention that we are constantly given insight to others' opinions through blogs and other 'personal' formats. It almost impossible form an opinion about something before hearing about someone Else's view of the situation!

One of the greatest things he discussed was the idea that we know our own Truth through experiences. External "testimony" versus internal testimony- meaning we must live consciously our we run the risk of becoming a 'false witness' by not testifying by our own experiences. For instance: If we've heard something and repeated it, not knowing if it's in fact the "Truth" for us because we've never lived it, is that truthful testimony? As he so bluntly put it, "Is that a Truth you're willing to die for?" In essence, it's living by default rather than living by design!

So, here's the challenge he put forth to us today:

1. Refuse to be a small person with a small mind. No gossip!
2. Go on a news fast. Don't fill your day with images and testimony from 'sources' other than yourself! Go with the premise "I know what I need to know when I need to know it."
3. Do 15 minutes of spiritual work a day (reading, meditating, writing... What ever brings you spiritual peace). He then requested that 7.5 minutes of that be meditation.

Think you could follow this? I know a lot of people who couldn't do it! I'm going to try...

-- Jenn

Love

Love was the topic last Sunday. That's a pretty broad subject and one that I'm not too comfortable with to be honest. I feel that people say "I love you," all the time and don't mean it or, if they do mean it at the time, it's usually a fleeting feeling that ends up dissipating or changing form soon after the words are spoken. *Shrug* I know, it's an 'issue' of mine.

Anyway, the whole discussion what wonderful in it's delivery, but two things really stood out in my mind.

The first was the sentiment that noticing our shortcomings in love is a sure sign of potential change. This was a huge thing for me to hear, because for a long time I've been thinking about the way I love. It may sound strange, but I protect myself very carefully and have for a good number of years. It's become very evident in the past four years; ever since having my son in fact. I am terrified of loving someone 100% because the very thought of allowing myself to feel something so deeply and completely and then having it taken away, leaves me with such a sense of dread and fear that I almost can't breathe. I am very aware that I don't love my spouse or my son with abandon and I've been working to change that. I love them the most and the best I can, but I also know that I don't love recklessly and leave my heart wide open to everything. I know some of that is left over from the horrible start my son had in life and the weeks I spent preparing myself to lose him, and I know as far as my spouse goes it has a lot to do with fear of losing him as well, but I also know that I want to let go and love like there is no end in sight. I've gotten close with my son, but every time I experience such an overwhelming rush of emotion I pull myself back because I become terrified. My hope is that, in recognizing that I'm missing so much, I can change this. I know I'm missing out!

The second thing I found so moving was the deliverance of the thought: You can always find a way over the tallest mountain. Even when it looks like you've reached the end of the path and no matter where you turn there are objects blocking you're travel, continuing looking. It may take some time and it may take a little bit of imagination and thinking outside of the norm, but there is always a path, even if it's one that leads straight up and appears to be too difficult to navigate. It isn't, once you put one foot in front of the other.

--- Jenn

Searching...

I find that whenever someone close to me passes away, I start searching for answers to questions. My father's cousin lost his battle with cancer last night and all day today I've had sobbing fits. I feel much better having found a church I call home and having some better answers, but I'm still a bit lost. And it's not with the question of "where is he now" it's more of thinking of him saying goodbye to all his loved ones this past week and then they in turn saying goodbye to him. He'll never again be able to hold his wife, or see his children or grandchildren smile or hear them laugh. Never be able to watch the sunset or ride out on a boat which was one of his favorite past times. All of that is the hardest part of death for me.

Last week when I found out from my mom how bad he'd gotten, she told me that his wife had said he was depressed and would lay in bed all day. And when he got up out of bed he'd just sit in his chair. A little over a week ago was when they told him to go home and have Hospice come in and that he had a year left. That was only a little over a week ago. I'm wondering if he just gave up the fight. And if he did, I don't blame him at all. I just wonder if having a doctor tell you that, sometimes isn't a help at all. I'm so hoping that his last week was filled with family and love and not pain or sorrow or even regrets.

Even though I have somewhere to go now for answers, I still find myself searching. I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers.

-Kim

May 4th

Rev. Nikki was sick today so the "Roving Rev" Maria filled in. She was great; I really enjoy when I hear 'new' people's delivery of the Science of Mind thought.

Rev. Maria discussed how our minds are like gardens. Now, I know we've all heard that analogy before, but humor me by reading through this because there's a lot to be said for listening to someones viewpoint for half and hour...

"There is a time and a season for every purpose", just like there is a time and a season within our gardens. I really like that mental image because, as I get older, I've found that there is a lot in life that has come and gone. Some things I'm glad to see disappear, but there are other things I'm sad to see end. If I use the above quote to sort of describe the events that cause me sadness, I can see there there really are reasons for the endings. I may wish that I could get these things back again, but in reality their season really has come to end, either because I've changed so much that they no longer hold a place in my life, or the situations themselves were keeping me from growing into the person I want to be.

In going along with those thoughts, there is the premise that forms constantly change. Some forms have to stay the same in order to counteract this phenomenon, the greatest of which is, of course, the Universe, but there are others like love, knowledge.... Because these constants are always constant, we must practice "non-attachment" to those things that do change. This is a hard concept for me to grasp because, in all reality, the way I approach things is hard-driven and 'in it till the end'. Of course, as I think of all the things that have changed these past few years, all of the situations include me giving my whole heart, giving 100% of myself to every one of them. And, why was that? Because I truly viewed them all as "forever," just as I do most things.

In thinking of the mind, it stands to reason that "we get exactly what we plant". Just like gardening, when we 'plant' something (thoughts vs. seeds), the soil doesn't judge or try to change what's planted there; it just cultivates what is. An amazing concept in it's simplicity, but that's what makes it such a great Truth!

Another topic was one about Joy. If we as people aren't experiencing Joy, what's missing? Sometimes we just need to get back to basics in order to recapture that Joy, and sometimes we need a little more, but the fact of the matter is that most times where we're "off center" it's the basics we've forgotten about. Just like when we studied math in school, if we didn't have the basics down, the rest of it just couldn't make sense, right?

Everything we need in life is within us, and just like a seed, we just need to cultivate it to make it bloom. If we could stop thinking "Life would be better when...." and start thinking of how we can bloom where we are, just think of how much happiness and contentment we'd have just by being us!

--Jenn

Happiness Project

Our Church is doing some exciting things right now, one of which is the "Happiness Project".

There are two big jars set up in the back of the Church, one for 'happy things' and one for things you're letting go of. We fill out little slips of paper for each appropriate thought, and drop it into the jar to symbolize our inner growth and notice of things that are good.

Then we have the "Happiness Commandments" to create. We have twelve that we're supposed to come up with, and then in mid-June we're going to all come together and share our creations. What a great way to spend Spring; thinking about all the good and the good way to live and conduct ourselves!

I thought this was a wonderful exercise because, as I sat down to think, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be! How often do we really spend time thinking of happy ways to live our lives? I'm sure we all have the usual, "Be nice to others, treat people how you want to be treated," ideas, but to find twelve is quite a test.

I came up with seven yesterday. I had an event occur that really upset me, so I decided it was the perfect time to work on something like this. So, here are my seven:

1. Remember: They're having their own life experiences
2. What doesn't effect me shouldn't affect me
3. There's a positive lesson to every experience if we just take the time to find it.
4. Listen; don't just hear what people are telling you
5. You can only live your own life, not anyone else's
6. Act as you want to feel
7. Intuition is important. Remember to listen to yourself

That took me an hour.

I encourage you to try it yourselves! Try it and see how you do; I'd be interested to hear about it.

- Jenn