Timing

I had a great disappointment yesterday and I found myself turning to my Spirituality. That was a fantastic moment because it was a completely unconscious mindset, which proves to me that I'm making progress in my journey!

My parents extended a fantastic offer to my husband and I last week that involved helping us to finance a house in their neighborhood. We saw the house, fell in love, and then my world fell in around us on Wednesday night when my husband said the horrible words, "It's just too much for us."

I cried, I blamed, I got angry. I became a monster inside and spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the center of my anger. Yes, I loved the house, loved the possibility of getting out of this slowly decaying neighborhood I'm in, adored the thought of living within walking distance of my parents... But there was more.

My husband worked the whole day pushing and pulling numbers. He talked to everyone he knew to talk to. He called banks, came up with plans, did some yelling, all while I sat here numb. I did some math of my own, but didn't come up with much (being dyslexic in these situations causes me more grief than results), but I did begin to feel better about it all at around noon on Thursday. I was a bit surprised, but I'm a "hard and fast" griever so I went with it.

We had a contract written up that night and, when ready to send it, got the word that a previous contract had just been received. Ours wasn't needed.

Now, I was expecting complete emotional destruction on my part. I couldn't believe that after all of that work, heartache, fighting, and detestation, that the Universe would just take what I wanted from my grasp!.... But, nothing happened. I was disappointed, but that's all: Disappointed.

I did some treatment work about the situation and then thought a lot about it all last night and this morning. It is so unlike me to look into defeat and just shrug my shoulders, but I have. I am still half waiting for a breakdown, but I just don't feel it, which makes me think that I'm beginning to get some control over my life.

That's what it boils down to, right? I think I freaked out in the beginning because I felt like I had no control over our situation; that we were stuck where we are. Then, when I saw there was a chance to change our position, I was able to calm down and relax. As for the disappointment in losing the house? I can only explain that by control as well. I did treatment work (control because I have Faith in the results) and, because I can accept that all of this fell apart for a reason, I experienced another aspect of control.

I truly believe the Universe did what it needed to do to keep me and my family safe, and who am I to argue that?

--- Jenn