Searching...

I find that whenever someone close to me passes away, I start searching for answers to questions. My father's cousin lost his battle with cancer last night and all day today I've had sobbing fits. I feel much better having found a church I call home and having some better answers, but I'm still a bit lost. And it's not with the question of "where is he now" it's more of thinking of him saying goodbye to all his loved ones this past week and then they in turn saying goodbye to him. He'll never again be able to hold his wife, or see his children or grandchildren smile or hear them laugh. Never be able to watch the sunset or ride out on a boat which was one of his favorite past times. All of that is the hardest part of death for me.

Last week when I found out from my mom how bad he'd gotten, she told me that his wife had said he was depressed and would lay in bed all day. And when he got up out of bed he'd just sit in his chair. A little over a week ago was when they told him to go home and have Hospice come in and that he had a year left. That was only a little over a week ago. I'm wondering if he just gave up the fight. And if he did, I don't blame him at all. I just wonder if having a doctor tell you that, sometimes isn't a help at all. I'm so hoping that his last week was filled with family and love and not pain or sorrow or even regrets.

Even though I have somewhere to go now for answers, I still find myself searching. I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers.

-Kim