Love

Love was the topic last Sunday. That's a pretty broad subject and one that I'm not too comfortable with to be honest. I feel that people say "I love you," all the time and don't mean it or, if they do mean it at the time, it's usually a fleeting feeling that ends up dissipating or changing form soon after the words are spoken. *Shrug* I know, it's an 'issue' of mine.

Anyway, the whole discussion what wonderful in it's delivery, but two things really stood out in my mind.

The first was the sentiment that noticing our shortcomings in love is a sure sign of potential change. This was a huge thing for me to hear, because for a long time I've been thinking about the way I love. It may sound strange, but I protect myself very carefully and have for a good number of years. It's become very evident in the past four years; ever since having my son in fact. I am terrified of loving someone 100% because the very thought of allowing myself to feel something so deeply and completely and then having it taken away, leaves me with such a sense of dread and fear that I almost can't breathe. I am very aware that I don't love my spouse or my son with abandon and I've been working to change that. I love them the most and the best I can, but I also know that I don't love recklessly and leave my heart wide open to everything. I know some of that is left over from the horrible start my son had in life and the weeks I spent preparing myself to lose him, and I know as far as my spouse goes it has a lot to do with fear of losing him as well, but I also know that I want to let go and love like there is no end in sight. I've gotten close with my son, but every time I experience such an overwhelming rush of emotion I pull myself back because I become terrified. My hope is that, in recognizing that I'm missing so much, I can change this. I know I'm missing out!

The second thing I found so moving was the deliverance of the thought: You can always find a way over the tallest mountain. Even when it looks like you've reached the end of the path and no matter where you turn there are objects blocking you're travel, continuing looking. It may take some time and it may take a little bit of imagination and thinking outside of the norm, but there is always a path, even if it's one that leads straight up and appears to be too difficult to navigate. It isn't, once you put one foot in front of the other.

--- Jenn